Sunday, July 18, 2004
Service: * * * 1/2
Food: * * * 1/2
Ambience: * * * *
Babe Count: * * * * *
Phone: +27 11 646 8740
I've been shopping to prepare for this date with Karen. I have something stuffed into my satchel, away from her prying eyes.
"I have a small symbolic present for you," I say.
This is our second meeting, and she's clearly sceptical about getting a present from me this soon.
I open the bag, and remove a very realistic fake rose that I bought from a cheap-goods store. "A rose," she says.
"Nope," I say. "It's a plastic rose. And I bought it for several reasons. See... the red rose thingy is to signify romance. You know, cliched romance. Secondly, feel these thorns on the stem."
She runs her fingers down the stem. The manufacturers of this particular rose have obviously taken a mould from a real rose stem. It's got tiny sharp thorns on it.
I say, "Those thorns are just to remind you about the pain."
She smiles at me. This is exactly what she needs to hear from me. I'm the 'Master' in this situation, and she's the 'submissive'. I've been doing my homework.
"Lastly," I say, taking the rose from her, and holding it by one of the blossoms, the stem stretching out a meter into the air, "I bought a plastic one because it's very durable, and can be used to remind you of things." As I say this, I whip the table with the stem, and she jumps a tiny bit. Now she's really smiling.
"Definitely done your homework," she says.
I order an omelette, and she tries the roast veg tramezzini. They're both perfectly adequate.
"We need to talk about ground rules," I say.
A friend of mine, who has surprised me by admitting that he's been into bondage for ages, has sent me an email containing some tips and pointers. I'll call him 'My Mate M.', or 'MMM' for short. He doesn't want his real name used in this context. I pull the email out of my bag, and Karen reads it. I reproduce his advice here with his permission.
It sounds like you're well enough versed in non-standard sex, so I'll just chuck what I know in. It's difficult to settle on many absolutes until you know each other. So let me lay out a few points that I've picked up in my not-too-vast experience, but enough that I feel confident in this type of situation.
So in no particular order:
1) Find out where is her line between excitement and humiliation. (Sorry about the grammar there - just dumping) You can ask her, but as you said, it's more convincing for both of you if you probe for it. Find out where her lines are by pushing them. You don't want to push her too far in the heat of the moment, and you don't want to be tentative when she wants to get off on some serious domination. One girl I saw for a while (who shall remain nameless because you know her) encouraged me to leave her tied to the bed with her hands cuffed behind her back, while I went out to have coffee with another girl she knew I was interested in fucking, and who she knew liked me - provided I came back afterwards, of course. Another one (who shall remain nameless for the same reason), would never have tolerated that kind of stuff, yet was game for absolutely any kind of one-on-one sexual "humiliation". By the way, rule number one... NEVER leave someone restrained. Death can result. With the girl above, she encouraged me to leave, but I untied her, and when I came back, tied her up again.
2) Hone in on the things that really are the crux of their fantasy. What are their real over-the-top button pushers? For some it's sharp pain, for others very tight restraint - slow pain. With the girl in the point above, it was having her air supply cut off at random moments building to the final time coinciding with orgasm.
3) There must always be an environment in the relationship (outside of the sex) that is utterly respectful. Unless she's really into the whole master/slave thing as a complete package.
4) Establish beforehand what the "Stop" word is. Choose a word that she would never use under these circumstances, so that if she accidentally says stop as a reflex reaction it doesn't spoil it by making you actually stop.
5) Establish the level of aggression she prefers. I think it's okay to talk about this beforehand, because it's important for the next point.
6) Be convincing. If she's into role playing then you have to play out the role as well as you can to sustain the fantasy.
7) Learn some basic stuff first. You know, under circumstances you want to avoid tying her feet together for obvious reasons. Under other circumstances you would maybe. But more seriously, what I mean is stuff like, tie the knots efficiently, so you don't spend half an hour fucking with them to get it right. They don't need to be elaborate, but they must be efficient. And familiarise yourself with the possibilities of where to tie on her body. You can make her breasts swell up with blood (and therefore very sensitive), and the just above the knee-on-each-leg-pulling-legs apart technique gives unbelievable access. Learn what cuts off blood flow (and therefore sensation and what doesn't) both so you can use it and so that you don't inadvertently give her gangrene or something. Go to: www.sonofsnake.com - click Enter at the bottom. On the next page you'll see all kinds of porn links (don't worry, this is a user-friendly site). Scroll all the way down to the bottom to the category list, and click the Fetish one. The next page will contain links to free image galleries. Look and learn :)
8) Focus on the psychological aspects - fear, threat, uncertainty, vulnerability, relief, promised relief, denied relief. Use all her senses for this, either exploiting them or cutting them off. Use smell, sound, silence, lack of touch, disorientation.
9) Take your time. Eagerness is death. John Cleese is only funny on TV.
10) There's a fine line between this and torture, dude ;)
Karen reads it, and laughs out loud at MMM's insights. "He's definitely got experience," she says.
We get onto the nitty gritty.
"This is a totally new paradigm for me," I say, "so I need some clarity. What sort of STOP words do you prefer?"
She tells me one word. "That means slow down, don't go further down that route," she says. And the next word. "This one means an immediate stop. If I say this word, it means you stop whatever you're doing immediately."
(I'm not telling you the words we're using, cos they're our words. Private deluxe!)
"Okay," I say. "And what about the parameters of the Mastery/submission space? If we're in a relationship, are you ALWAYS submissive, with me ALWAYS dominant? Cos I don't think that can work for me."
"No," she says. "It's really just during sex. And after a Mastery/submission session, I like to have a bonding time, which ISN'T in the M/s mode at all. Kinda cuddling and just being normal human beings together."
"Okay, and what about how far I can go with you in sex?"
"That's what the safety code words are for," she says. "If I say them, you're going too far. And if I don't, you just keep doing whatever you want to me." She's smiling, and I can see that if I were in a masterful sorta mood right now, I could certainly have my way with her.
"Now what about WHEN to have sex?" I ask. "Are there particular times when you specifically don't want it?"
She says, "When we have sex is entirely up to you. How many men just WISH for a thing like this???"
"Yeah," I say. "But there's a serious amount of responsibility to being masterful. But lemme clarify. You're SPECIFICALLY saying that when I choose to have sex with you, is when we have sex. No consultation? Just my command?"
I call for the bill. "Last thing," I say. "Safe sex and HIV tests." We agree to engage only in safe sex, and to take HIV tests.
The bill comes. We split it.
"I'm coming down with a cold or flu," I tell her. "Do you object to getting either?" I'm coughing, and my chest is wheezing.
"No," she says.
"Excellent," I say. "Now kiss me." And she does, in the restaurant, and people stare. And I'm thinking, 'You guys are all so boooooooorrrrrrrring!!!' Then after the kiss, in which I bite her tongue and lip quite hard, getting a flinch of pleasure from her, I say, "Now we're going to my place, and I'm going to fuck you."
"You're really getting into this, aren't you?" she says.
I raise the plastic rose threateningly. "Oh yes," I say. "Oh yeah."