Monday, October 31, 2005

How To Get Maximum Benefit From Your Advertising Agency

This little primer is something I wrote for Potion's first client. (Potion is a small design agency that I co-founded.) We realised that their expectations and ours weren't meshing very well. So here's what we sent them. They partly liked what we had to say. But they were also quite unhappy with some of it. Nevertheless, if you want your relationship with your ad agency to flourish, you'd best take a look at this piece. -- Roy Blumenthal



1. Your ad agency has your best interests at heart.



This has to be the number one premise that a client and agency work from. As a client, your goal is to get great work out of your agency, so that you can flourish. Your agency wants to give you great work, cos they want you to flourish, cos they want to build a long, beautiful, mutually fruitful relationship that goes long into the future. All agencies want great clients, and they want to keep them.

So, the premise HAS to be that we're working together for the same goals.

This means several things. When your ad agency asks you difficult questions, you need to assume that they're coming at those questions to help you. They're not trying to show you up. They're not trying to throw hurdles in your path. They're trying to help you get clarity. Sometimes they have experience that you might benefit from. If you assume the best, then you'll answer those questions clearly.

If you assume the worst, then you'll answer those questions reactively, and progress will not be made.

If you find yourself reacting to something that your agency has told you or asked you, let your first line of attack be to reflect on things. We're on your side.



2. Your business benefits when you know exactly what objectives you want to achieve with a particular piece of communication. Your advertising benefits when you communicate with your agency.



Advertising is never general. It always has a specific objective or set of objectives. Each ad should have a single minded purpose. If an ad has more than one purpose, it is a bad ad. One purpose means one ad. Two purposes means two ads.

If you don't know what your purpose is, then you have a generic ad. A broad ad. If you say to your ad agency, 'We want an ad that'll get EVERYONE to call us,' then you haven't found your purpose.

Know your purpose. Write it down. Examine it. Plumb the depths. You might THINK you know what you want, but maybe there's more to be discovered if you take the time to think hard about what you're after.

Use these four questions when you're setting your purpose:

o Who is the target of this ad?
o What are we offering to them?
o What proof to we have to back up this offer?
o What do we want them to feel and do once they've experienced this ad?

If you don't have CLEAR answers to each of those four questions, you're not ready to make an ad.

Once you have those answers, put them down in writing. A written brief is the only way an ad agency can proceed. There is too much room for error in conversation.

And remember, if your brief is unclear, your agency will do one of two things... either they'll create an ad based on the unclear message, or they'll come back to you with questions. It's your job as a good client to answer those questions clearly.



3. Just cos you're paying someone doesn't mean they must do what you want.



Contrary to popular belief, the ad agency does not give the client what the client WANTS. It is the job of the ad agency to give the client what the client NEEDS. Needs and wants are very different things.

Just cos you THINK you want 'everybody to call' does not mean this is what you need. This can sink your business faster than you can blink. One-hundred calls in an hour are impossible for two individuals in a small office to take. And the one or two people who can't get through MIGHT be the ones you NEED to speak to. You'll never know if you're trying to answer the phones all the time.

When you say 'Jump', your ad agency's job is to say, 'Why? What do you want to achieve by asking us to jump?' It is not our job to say, 'How high?'

If you want people to help grow your business, treat us as professionals. We have other clients. And we have lives. We are not at your beck and call. However, we ARE available to do work for you on a reasonable schedule.

Just as you have objectives in your business, we have objectives in ours. A client who insists on hundreds of face-to-face meetings is wasting everyone's time. Email is one of the wonders of the modern world. Please use it. A client who gives tight deadlines doesn't allow an agency to do great work. Whenever reactivity is at play, quality suffers.



4. Agencies are very happy to fire clients. Having cash flow is not the same as making a profit.



We all want to work wisely and productively together. Bearing in mind that we're professionals is a good way of keeping that objective on the table.

Money is also trivial. In most cases, ad agencies look for clients who pay realistic amounts of money for services rendered. They also look for multiple clients. If a client wants an agency to be dedicated to them exclusively, they really need to consider having an internal department doing that work.

Just cos you're paying, doesn't mean we're hopping around on the end of a piece of string.



5. Bring your agency into things VERY early on in the process, so that we can share our thinking with you, and so that we can plan our time.



The more lead time we have, the better result you'll get. Many clients THINK that they're giving their agency a reasonable lead time. But they can always involve the agency earlier in the process.

As soon as you even START thinking about a project, bring the agency into that thinking.

Do this via email. Meetings are not productive for this, unless they're formal brainstorms. And brainstorms are billable. Our expertise is at your disposal. But it's serious expertise built up over years. So we're going to charge you for it.



6. When an ad runs, there are consequences. Have a clear plan on how you will deal with those consequences.



Quite simply put, an advert is just the tip of a marketing iceberg. Unless you have a plan on how to deal with response, you will be floundering, and will be caught on the back foot.

Have a marketing plan and an action plan for every advert you run.

If you're running a classified ad asking for agents, know exactly what you're going to ask those people who call you so that you can quickly evaluate whether or not they're likely to be suitable. Know exactly what you're going to do when you meet them face-to-face. What documents must you photocopy? What must they sign? What happens when you accept them? What happens if your reject them? Do you need to offer them tea or coffee or drinks?

Know your breakevens. The numbers count. What response will justify the cost of the ad? How will you know if it succeeded or not?

If your ad agency asks you hard questions about how you plan to deal with the consequences, be prepared to show them your marketing plan. If you don't have one, you're going to be in trouble. (You're not going to be in trouble with your ad agency. You're going to be in trouble with your business. Cos you'll have a host of unpredictable results that might hurt very much.) Plan so that you can have upsides.

It is your ad agency's job to know what you're expecting. And they're supposed to help you meet realistic expectations.



7. When you don't know something, ask. Humility leads to knowledge.



Nobody knows everything. That's why we ask questions, and why we learn. We all want to know more. And we all want to be better at what we do.

A good ad agency wants to feed their clients with knowledge and expertise. It should be the goal of every ad agency to make themselves redundant to their clients. The more the client knows about advertising, the better the work the agency can deliver.

If you don't know something, ask. Humility has a way of generating goodwill. Arrogance has the opposite effect. When an ad agency deals with a client who is arrogant, they tend to think, 'Hmmmm... this guy knows very little. He doesn't WANT to know anything. All he wants is for us to kiss his butt. On balance, I don't think I want to work with him. It's a bit too unpleasant. There are better clients out there in the world.'

On the other hand, a client who says, 'I really don't understand why you're saying this particular thing. Would you mind sharing your knowledge with me?' has a very different response. We'll movemountains when we know someone genuinely wants to know something.

The business shelf at most major bookshops is a goldmine. Not just for advertising. But for marketing and business process too. Read voraciously. Even if you just skim chapter headings while standing at the bookshelf in the store. (One chapter heading that I remember vividly from a sales book is this: 'If you don't HAVE an assistant, you ARE the assistant.')

You do not have the time to NOT read. Do it. Learn. The more you learn, the better client you'll be, and the more successful you'll become. And the easier you'll be to work with.

Our job is to try to understand YOUR business as much as we can. We should become a valuable partner in your business, and that means WE need to be humble too. We need information from you in order to make the best communications.



8. What to do when your ad agency doesn't want to work with you.



There will be times when you find that your ad agency no longer wants to work with you. This could come about for many reasons.

One reason could be that you're simply a horrible client. You give unrealistic deadlines. You make unrealistic demands. You ask your agency to do unethical work. You ask them to do work that is not in your best interests.

Another reason could be that you've outgrown your agency. Perhaps your business has grown to a size that the agency can't cope with.

Yet another reason might be that your business has remained small. You're not able to pay a realistic amount for the services your ad agency is providing.

Another reason might be that the agency has picked up business that is a conflict in interest with yours.

Whatever the reason, sometimes a divorce is necessary.

All parties need to get together and chat, and then go separate ways, with all outstanding work either dealt with or delegated. Often, the agency leaving the client will have recommendations of other agencies who might be more suitable.



9. What to do if you want to continue working with your agency.



When things are going right, you might want to contiue your relationship. Know that storminess happens in the best of relationships. Keep cards on the table. Communicate with your agency. Let them know what they're doing right. Let them know what results you're getting off their efforts.

Always bear in mind that it's always a two-way street. What's working for you needs to work for them. And vice versa.

Communication is the key here.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

My Flat, Cresta

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Service: * * * 1/2
Food: * * *
Ambience: * * * * *
Babe Count: * * * * *

It's not that this Coffee-Shop Schmuck HASN'T been out and about. It's just that I'm now in a fulltime relationship, and she's moved into my place temporarily, and I'm digging it tons.

We've just had a Fontana chicken takeaway with a salad from Panarotti's, which was QUITE delicious. She's busy practising her singing for an audition, and I'm dreaming of having some tea and a TIM TAM. (It's a biscuit imported from Australia, available only in certain Pick 'n Pay supermarkets. If you're interested... head for the Melville branch at Campus Square.)

I've been doing tons of things.

For one, I've bought a tablet PC -- the Toshiba Tecra M4. And it's a serious wet dream.

For another, I've acted in a corporate video, which was damn cool. And I've been doing voice-over work too. I'm getting busy, mon.

For another, I delivered a creativity seminar for 23 teachers from various schools. Two of them were hotties. Hmmm. S was going to come to the seminar, but a voice-over session came up, and she had to miss it. Sad. It would have been nice for the two hotties to see me with an uber hottie. Heheheh.

For another, I finally wrote a redraft of my feature screenplay, HOME. It's now sitting online at www.zoetrope.com, waiting for members of Francis Ford Coppola's online filmmaking community to crit. So far, I've had four people read it, and no crits yet.

I've also started gearing up to expand my ka huna massage practice. Did a massage two days ago. And loved being in the flow of it again. I've listed myself on www.therapistdirectory.co.za. So if you want a ka huna massage, I'm available on Wednesday and Thursday nights, and on Saturday afternoons. The charge is R400 for a one and-a-half hour session.

And I've been accepted into THE ACTOR'S CENTRE as a full member, which is really quite something. I'm taking classes with Daniel Buckland in physical comedy. We do a small show on Thursday, and my little Golem-like creature plays a neat role in the unfolding story.

In other news, Dick Richards, the author of a book that changed my life some years ago, has released a new book. It's called IS YOUR GENIUS AT WORK? And it's available for sale at Amazon.com. Some months ago he contacted me and asked me if I'd be willing to write some comments on the book. He forwarded me a substantial wad of the book, and I loved it.

Here's what I'm quoted as saying on the first page of the book:

"I've found it easier to relate to clients and friends having named my genius. And I find it's a useful tool to offer to people so that they know how best to utilize my skills." -- Roy Blumenthal, Artist-at-Large

Dick and I have been in touch for years. I wrote to him ages ago asking if it would be okay for me to create a weekend seminar based on his work. He was delighted to let me do so. I ran a test weekend, and it was awesome. Ten of my friends benefited from learning the names of their genius. Mine is 'Guiding the Flow'.

I strongly recommend that you buy his book. And head for his blog. His thinking is life-changing. He's at www.ongenius.com/blog.

He's asked for guest bloggers, and one of my pieces will be appearing on his site sometime soon.

Thanks to Dick, I'm in a serious piece of re-evaluation space right now. I'm busy looking at how my blog comes across in the eyes of the world. The image I'm giving people of myself. I'm ready to take myself to the next level of earning, and the next level of making a contribution to the world.

So watch this space. Soon I'll be offering my services as a life coach and as a creativity coach. I've been doing some informal sessions with friends and acquaintances, and soon I'll be ready to start charging for it.

That's about it for now.

I'll catch you when I've got time.

Blue skies
love
Roy

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

My Flat, Cresta

Tuesday (later on in the evening), October 4, 2005

Service: * * *
Food: * * *
Ambience: * * * * *
Babe Count: N/A

Something I wanted to write about earlier, but SURVIVOR interrupted...

Isn't it interesting that I've made just over US$20 from Clicksor ads?

The interesting thing about this is that just 8 cents of those dollars come from THIS site.

The rest of the revenue is coming from the sister blog to this... http://schmucksearch.blogspot.com.

It's a blog that I occassionally update showing the search terms used to reach my site. Because I'm a bit foul-mouthed in THIS blog, I sometimes use risque words. Which get logged by search engines.

So when someone does a search for "self licking contortionist", the search engines don't realise that the word "self" in one article of mine, and the word "licking" in another entry, and the word "contortionist" in yet another ARE ACTUALLY NOT CONNECTED. Dumb search engines! And YES. That's an ACTUAL term used to find my page.

Now because I'm listing the search terms, every time someone searches for one of the terms on the list, my site comes up as a hit. And the more I update my site, the stronger I become on the search engines. It's a kinda self-propogating thing. A vicious circle, if you will.

I've figured that I oughta make some spending money off this phenomenon. Hence all the odd advertising you'll find on that site.

But the INTERESTING thing about this whole advertising phenomenon is that people who visit my actual blog ARE NOT clicking through on ANY of the adverts.

But strange perverts looking for depraved search strings ARE clicking. I don't REALLLLLY know what this means. But I suspect it means that my loyal readers aren't interested in advertising. While the one-hit wonders are just looking for anything that'll give them a fix on their kinks.

Please lemme know in the comments box if you'd like me to remove all advertising from this site and leave it all on the search terms site. Does the advertising here bother you? Does it bother you that I've got kinky stuff on the search site? Lemme know what you think.

My Flat, Cresta

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Service: * * *
Food: * * *
Ambience: * * * * *
Babe Count: N/A

It's amazing how blogging energy gets sapped when one is busy on multiple projects AND in love with a beautiful woman. Ah well. She's in Cape Town this very second. Having just flown there from Port Elizabeth. She's on the cast of a piece of corporate theatre I've just written. Had the first show last night. The audience reportedly loved it! Yay!!!

(And no... I had nothing to do with her winning the role. She auditioned just like everyone else. And the work is flooding in for her. She's been offered two other roles in quick succession. Wow!)

That design client I pitched for on behalf of POTION, the design company I co-created some while back with Denis and Chanel... We won the pitch. Against nine other design agencies. Yeeehaaaa!

But we didn't know what we were letting ourselves in for. We've been working REALLLLY hard on the job. Major hours. And the client is young and bullish, and doesn't reallllly know how design briefs work. So it's quite exhausting for us to be both doing the work AND educating the client as to how to be a client. But hey. It feels great.

I've been investigating tablet PCs after reading positive things about them on Robert Scoble's blog. The crazy thing about South African computer distributors is that they offer only the most rudimentary factory configuration. Many of the companies I've spoken to say this...

"We don't really sell many tablet PCs here. No demand." Words to that effect.

No frigging wonder, man! Take the Toshiba Tecra M4. The configuration I need, and CAN GET OFF THE WEB if I were living in the United States of A, is: 2 gigaHz processor, 100 gig harddrive, 1 gig of RAM. The one that's becoming available here has a 1.76 gigaHz processor, a 60 gig harddrive, and 512 megs of RAM. What are these fuckers thinking???? Seriously!!!

I need this machine to be my computer. Not a subsidiary computer. Not a backup computer. My MAIN computer. So offer it to me with muscle, and I'll buy it. I'll even pay bucketloads of cash for it. Cos I need it. I'll even buy the damn thing from the States and risk paying vast amounts of money on customs duties. (What I'm NOT keen on doing is buying it from the States and having some stripped down shell arriving and me having no recourse to justice. That's what's stopping me from pressing, "Proceed to checkout". )

There are two local resellers doing their best to get Toshiba and Acer to come to the party. (Acer in South Africa has the TMC 312. But inexplicably, when I phoned head office to ask about the more potent 314, they claimed that I must be making some sort of mistake. They'd never heard of it. And, "It's not on our product roll-out roadmap for the next six months," they told me.

And that's it. No willingness to phone their buddies somewhere else in the world and say, "Hey, we've got a customer whose underpants are frothing with readiness to buy this machine. Please ship us one."

We shall have to see how this one plays out.

(If you're interested, I need a muscly tablet pc cos I want to do some video editing on the thing. Which means it needs quite a lot of power in all sorts of areas. I also want to take my digital drawing up a notch by using Alias Sketchbook Pro. I can't wait!!!)

Okay. SURVIVOR is now on. Time for me to settle back and yearn for S.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

My Flat, Cresta

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Service: * * * *
Food: * * * *
Ambience: * * * *
Babe Count: * * * * *

Okay, so the babe count tonight is exaggerated. That's because S isn't here right now. So it should be zero. But I've got a photo of her. And a bunch of her dirty clothes are in my laundry heap. So I can smell her when I want to. Which gives my place a babe count of five on the Roy-o-metre. That's cos S is my uber-babe. And we're happily in love.

This is Taddy Blecher. He co-created CIDA, a free university in Joburg's city centre. He talked at the event I was sketching at. Made me cry. And most of the people in the place cried too. Awesome stuff.As for the food and service... well... it's Woolworth's bachelor food. Quiche Lorraine tonight. With an Ola Magnum Light for dessert.

And the ambience is up there too, cos I'm playing my iRIVER on shuffle, and there's about ten days worth of music on it. Yeah!

I've just spent the entire day drawing. I recently went on a conference with THE MISSING LINK guys and their clients. I volunteered to be the resident portraitist. I foolishly thought I could easily bash out a sketch every five or so minutes.

Well, the weekend was about two weeks ago. At the event, I managed to draw about twenty pics. And delivered a further forty or so to MISSING LINK via email a week later. After drawing all day today, I sent D'ave a further twenty-three pics. I have thirty-two left to draw. Ayeeeee! My eyeballs are bleeding, mon!

And I've got a writing deadline for three o' clock tomorrow afternoon. Spent all of Friday afternoon in a coffee-shop smashing away at my laptop to meet a five o' clock deadline for the preliminary script. Cracked that.

Also, tomorrow I hear from a potential client whether a little company I'm a partner in has won the pitch to design everything for a phone card business. Spent all of Friday morning sorting the pitch out. Lunchtime we pitched. Chanel and I. Maybe soon POTION DESIGN will be on the map. Wish me luck.

Sheesh. It's been a busy month. Tons of stuff. Loads of creativity. And I'm feeling satisfied.

It really feels great to be in a delicious relationship with a mega-babe. Sigh. Amazing how polyamory thoughts just seem to evaporate when you're with someone you realllllly wanna be with.

Monday, August 22, 2005

New Melville Theatre, Melville

Monday, August 22, 2005

Service: N/A
Food: N/A
Ambience: * * *
Babe Count: * * * * *

A portrait of Niccola Deane, Aryan Kaganof's current (?) and/or past (?) girlfriend. She's unfortunately leaving for Scotland. A real babe, and a good artist. She punched me three times on the bicep for missing her art exhibition at Guto Bussab's MUTI GALLERY a few months back.My buddies Eran Tahor and Aryan Kaganof have organised a second screening of indie South African films, and the place is packed with people. I'm here with S, and she's looking hyper-edible.

Another buddy of mine is MC for the night... Akin Omotoso, director of GOD IS AFRICAN. And boy, does he have his work cut out for him tonight. The audience is rowdy. And drunk. And pretentious. And all those nasty things that make a Q&A session after a screening very very trying.

Akin introduces the four films up front. "Tonight we'll be watching I LOVE YOU JET LI, directed by Jaco Bouwer." He points at Jaco. People clap. "(IN)SECURITY, directed by Neil Shaw." He points at Neil, and the clapping happens again. "KOFIFI, directed by Mic Mann." Clapping. "And BLOW, directed by Llewelyn Roderick." Still more clapping. And it's all enthusiastic. "Enjoy the movies."

Akin sits down, and the first movie starts. S and I are in the front row, sitting with her buddy, a photographer, and Damon Berry and Digby Young. I LOVE YOU JET LI is a visually interesting experimental film set in an airport departure lounge. It's marred by only two things... a bland and soul-less narration, and the writing of the narration. To my taste, the narration was fairly wordy, and somewhat obvious.

(IN)SECURITY has a very funny setup. It's a couple locked up in suburban paranoia. There's a neat twist near the end, which I won't give away. This movie could be really funny if it were cut in half. It's WAYYYYY too long. But interesting.

A portrait of me, done straight onto my palmtop, by filmmaker Garreth Fradgley.The highlight of the evening is KOFIFI. This is an AFDA student film, shot on 35mm. It looks like it had a major budget behind it. It's a rather surprisingly fresh and naive look at Sophiatown in the 1950s, and it's a musical!!! A love story of a black man and a white woman who fall for each other across the colour line (this was considered miscegenation under South African law in those days). The crowd goes wild. A very funny and touching story.

Then BLOW plays. The camera follows a dude doing various deals on his cellphone while on his way to a soccer match. The sound was very poor, and the final twist was inaudible, making it almost impossible to get. Problem is, I'd already guessed what the twist was about a minute into the movie. So I would have been disappointed even if I'd heard it. Also, the art direction was faulty. WHY THE HELL DID THE DUDE WEAR A YELLOW JERSEY, LLEWELYN??? Sewed confusion. (One of the soccer teams in the movie had yellow colours on the poster. The other had red.)

The four directors file onto the stage, and Akin begins the Q&A session, asking each of them a pertinent question about their films. Interesting answers. But the audience is showing its colours. They're ignorant fucks, pretty much. Some chick, Giselle, I think her name is (Kaganof introduced her to me at the beginning of the evening), starts drunkenly heckling early on. And continues all the way through.

In the audience are Diane Victor and Gordon Froud. Diane is one of South Africa's most awesome artists. Gordon is a galllery owner and sculptor. My stuff is in his gallery. This little sketch is Diane's first attempt ever at electronic art. She's blown away, and tells me I'm welcome to keep this sketch. Yay!!! I now own another Diane Victor artwork!!! (I've got one of her etchings on my wall.)She shouts at Mic Mann, the director of KOFIFI, "Why is it a white woman and a black man?"

I shout back at her in exasperation, "What SHOULD it be? A Chinese woman?"

Akin says, "Roy, let her finish her question."

"That's not a question," I mutter. "It's fucking idiocy."

The questions continue in that vein, and I'm getting mightily pissed off at the level of dumbfuckery on display. Sheesh. One pathetic excuse of a human being says, "In (IN)SECURITY, what are you trying to say about reality? And drug addiction?" Aaaaaargh! Watch the movie, people. Don't ask stupid questions. Ugh.

Anyway. The evening's really cool, despite the flaws in the films, and despite the general patheticness of the audience.

Applause to Kaganof and Tahor for taking the initiative.

CORRECTION: These screenings are the initiative of THREE people, not two. They are: Aryan Kaganof. Eran Tahor. And Joel Assaizky. Sorry Joel! I didn't know until Eran told me. Thanks guys.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Sundown Ranch Hotel, Boshoek, Pilanesberg, North West Province

Friday, August 19, 2005 -- Later Still

Service: *
Food: *
Ambience: *
Babe Count: *

What's the deal with institutional food and gristle?

Do these people think that the money they save on buying lowest grade meat will offset the cost of people not returning? I won't be eating supper here again. And after breakfast tomorrow morning, I won't be eating breakfast here again either.

Supper...

  • A buffet with some lumpen potatos.
  • Some boiled pumpkin.
  • "Beef" curry (yes, the inverted commas are here to convey irony).
  • Some kind of fish curry.
  • Assorted salads.
  • A variety of white bread.
  • Tea and coffee (free).
  • Drinks you pay for.
  • Sweet things for dessert (I'm not religious, but Jesus help me... please!).

And I don't have to spell out what happens when you get to a buffet supper half an hour after everyone else cos you've been told to by the maitre d' and his sidekick cos they "can't seat one person at a table meant for eight". But I'll spell it out anyway.

The food is cold. The meat that's left in the serving dish consists of bone, gristle, and little tufts of edible-ish meat. Almost all of the salads are finished. Except for the popular stuff like beetroot salad. There's a full bowl of that. And not an apology to be heard.

The maitre d' floats up to me as I'm dishing up. "That'll be your table over there," he says, pointing to an "intimate" table directly in front of the tea and coffee area.

The place is still full. And lemme tell you something... the babe count has dropped. What's with cyclist chicks? Do they all have overbites? Or is that just a characteristic of a cheapish hotel near a gambling palace? (For anyone who doesn't know, Sun City is a casino resort, and it's tremendously expensive. Which means that people on a budget, or losers, or desperados stay in place like this, ten minutes away from Sun City. I like to think of myself as being on a budget. But maybe I'm actually a desperado.)

I finish dishing up, put my food down, and make some tea. There's no milk in the jug. And it's a two-litre jug. An industrial-sized jug. With nothing in it.

I schlepp the jug to the maitre d'. "May I have some milk please?"

He takes it from me with a smile, then romps over to the tea and coffee area and searches it. He assumes I'm not watching him, and I see him make an angry gesture with his head, and he slaps an open hand onto the side of the jug. He's clearly furious with some or other member of staff who's duty is to keep the jug filled.

I sit. I start piling a side plate with bones and gristle and bits of tough fat. It's a pile. I eat a bit. It's okay. But tepid. And I want to gag. But I force myself not to, cos this is the only food I'll be eating till breakfast tomorrow. Blah.

The maitre d' brings the milk jug back to the tea and coffee area. He ignores me. I stand up to put milk in my tea, and he simply steps aside and walks off.

Courtesy costs nothing. I'm courteous. He's in the hospitality industry. All I want is a bit of courtesy back.

Actually, I'd best revise that... all I want is courtesy and an antacid tablet for my indigestion.

Sundown Ranch Hotel, Boshoek, Pilanesberg, North West Province

Friday, August 19, 2005 -- Later

Service: *
Food: Looking grim
Ambience: * *
Babe Count: * *

Okay. So the service rating of this place has just plummeted to one star. I haven't actually eaten the food yet, but I've just been in the dining room and seen it. It's looking pretty fuckin' diabolical. Here's the story.

I arrive in the dining room. A waitress and a maitre d' both approach me, slightly too urgently for my liking.

The waitress says, "What is your room number?"

I say, "One oh five."

She looks at her computer printout. "You're here for bed and breakfast, not dinner bed and breakfast."

"I just checked in an hour or two ago, and paid for dinner bed and breakfast," I say.

She shows me the printout. I show her my meal card. "Eish," she says, shaking her head. "These reception people."

The maitre d' steps in. "That's okay, sir," he says. "Go ahead."

A woman with a clipboard steps up to the maitre d'. "Where you gunna sit this guy?" she says. "Is he just one person? We haven't got space for one person. We can't sit him at a table for eight!"

The maitre d' says to me, "Sir, is the table just for yourself?"

"Just me," I say.

The woman says, "Well, we haven't got a table for just one person."

I say, "Well, when will you have a table for me?"

The maitre d' says, "In about five minutes."

She says, "In about half an hour."

"Okay," I say. "So if I come back at eight o'clock you'll have a table for me?"

"Ya," she says.

"Sorry," says the maitre d'.

So I'm back in my room considering making another cup of tea. (Earlier, the service rating hit four stars because I asked the lady at reception to organise me some real milk for my tea. She had them send over a cup full of the stuff. So I don't have to use the powdered coffee-creamer.)

I think I'll be asking them for a free drink at the buffet for my trouble. Harummph.

Sundown Ranch Hotel, Boshoek, Pilanesberg, North West Province

Friday, August 19, 2005

Service: * * * *
Food: Unknown as yet
Ambience: * * *
Babe Count: * * 1/2

I have to be at Sun City tomorrow morning at 8:45, and I didn't wanna drive all this way before daybreak. It's a two-hour-plus drive, and the roads are a little on the narrow side. So I figured I'd treat myself to a night away from Joburg.

The Sundown Ranch Hotel is just ten minutes away from Sun City. And about twenty minutes out of Rustenburg. Which would be ten minutes out of Rustenburg if the road didn't have so many stop signs. I stopped counting at fifteen.

This is quite a charming place. My room is on the ground floor. Non-smoking. And there's a door that leads out onto the pool. All of the rooms are arranged in a circle around the pool. And there's a little refreshment area out there. There's a sign that says, "Coffee and Cake". But it's a lie. There hasn't been coffee or cake anywhere near that pool in at least a decade, judging by the state of the fridge and the counter.

I was lucky to get a room. Alana, the woman who took my booking over the phone, said, "Are you one of the cyclists?"

I said, "Which cyclists would those be?"

She said, "The ones in the ride against cancer."

"Nope," I said.

"Oh," she said. "So then you won't be needing the special breakfast pack? Fruit, some juice, some stuff for the road? Cos the cyclists will be leaving quite early."

"No thanks," I said.

So I'm in my room looking our over the pool. A big room. Huge bed. Real cotton linen, so I won't be getting that awful skin irritation that one gets with polyester sheets.

Hmmmmm. Hang on. There's a lithe blonde babe approaching the pool. With her child, a little girl in a pink costume. The blonde takes a seat in a deckchair, back towards me. Her hair is quite short, curling out at the back. A larger woman joins her. A mullet hairstyle. Long at the back, tightly cropped at the top. Ughhhh.

A lesbian couple?

Nope. The blonde girl turns to talk to the big girl. She has a moustache. She's a man. A cyclist, by the looks of things. One of those damn moments. You know what I'm talking about. When you're driving behind the cyclist, and she's got the most gorgeous arse in the whole world and she turns out to be a he. Ah well.

I didn't bring condoms anyway. I figured I'm not going to be testing out my polyamory with S for a long time to come. And I'm missing her. Pity she couldn't make it here tonight with me. Sigh.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

My Flat, Cresta

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Service: * *
Food: * * *
Ambience: * * * 1/2
Babe Count: N/A

Hmmmm. It's been an eventful two months since I last blogged. Quick catchup...

I took a job writing copy for an online gambling empire. My job was to addict fat American housewives to online gaming, via direct response communications. I thought the job would be a wonderful challenge, both to my morals and my skills. I started out in advertising writing direct response, and loved it.

This is Beau Sia. He's a performance poet of the highest order. Saw him at a show in Johannesburg, along with a whole bunch of other international pohetes. He rocked. Very funny. You HAVE to see him perform. Keep an eye out for his name, and DON'T MISS HIM!!!However, this particular company just has no idea about direct response. They also have no idea about how to get creative beings to stay in their employ.

They were clock watchers of the worst kind. I had to be in the office at 9am, take exactly one hour for lunch, and leave no earlier than 6pm. Ugh!!! Now I'm a particularly fast writer. Humungously so. Give me 22 direct response mailers to write, and you'll have them within two days. Budget a week for them, and I'll be sitting with three days of boredom on my hands. If you don't have the grace to give me the time off, I'll be a very frustrated man.

Which is why I left.

I sent out my cv to a coupla corporate video companies, and within half an hour received a response. The company was UNPLUGGED, and they needed a heavyweight writer to do a humour-packed script for Standard Bank. I met with them, was given the job on the spot, and resigned from the online gambling empire immediately.

They're busy putting the finishing touches on the final edit of the video, and the client loves it, according to my producer. Viva!

I then turned down another writing job, cos the money wasn't right for me, and the job felt rather hectically undefined. I'm a fiendishly expensive writer for many reasons. One reason is that I'm realllly good at what I do. Another is that I'm picky about the gigs I get involved in. Another is that I'm actively living my motto: "I live my art in prosperity and abundance."

This is my filmmaker buddy, Eran Tahor. I've been experimenting with different ways of using colour on my palmtop, and this pic gives me a lot of satisfaction.My philosophy came about a day or so after the planes hit the Twin Towers. I said to myself, "Roy... if you're in a building that gets hit by a plane, you'd bettttttter be doing something you love."

From that day on, I've been moving closer and closer to ONLY doing jobs I love. And charging between R50k and R100k for them. And walking away from those I don't love.

On the love-front, M and I split up. Basically, it wasn't really working for me. She was pretty set on monogamy after my polyamorous exploration stopped.

You may remember that I was in a polyamorous setup with J, and with M, and that they were both cool with it while it was happening. But then J decided it wasn't cool for her, and she quit the arrangement. As soon as that happened, M said, "Okay, Roy! I'm not keen on polyamory, and I want to be in a monogamous relationship with you."

As much as I liked her, the pressure suddenly seemed enormous. And things fizzled out for me.

But then I met S. She's a babe, and I've fallen head-over-heels in love with her. Smitten, I tell you. She and I discussed polyamory, and we're both theoretically cool with it. Our arrangement is that our current relationship is our primary one, but that we're both free to pursue other relationships after discussion with each other. We've both agreed that we won't do any such pursuing until our relationship is fully established.

Another brilliant international performance poet. He totally cooked at the show. Totally. Yeehaaa!I have to admit, though, that I'm feeling spectacularly happily monogamous with S. She's pretty much everything I've ever wanted or needed in a woman. She feels like the person I wanna be with. Yummy.

Part of the reason I haven't blogged till now is that I've been putting my energy into building the relationship. And also, she's been a little nervous over my blogging about her. So the arrangement is that I blog without naming her or making it obvious to anyone who doesn't know us who she is. She'll read what I put on the site, and we'll evaluate as we go along.

On other fronts, I'm experiencing a huge creative upsurge. I've just written a short film, which I'll be directing, with Damon Berry shooting. We'll be filming it early next month. And I've been spending some time breaking the script down, storyboarding it, and generally being a director-producer on it.

I'm looking for some actors (based in Johannesburg, South Africa). Lemme know if you're interested in auditioning. I want to make it clear that this is a freebie though. There is NO MONEY involved in the making of this film. None whatsoever. Not a cent. So if you're in it, it's for free. Email me on schmucknews@gmail.com if you're keen.

I'm also pursuing voice-over work seriously.

And a chance encounter over a French beret has led me to a bunch of people who run team-building seminars that I might find myself part of. I'll be sitting in on one of their processes this weekend out in Sun City.

Blogging will now continue as normal. Good to be back.

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