Andy Beal's 'Marketing Pilgrim' -- a groovy read, and a chance to win goodies like the iPod Touch

I came across a bloke on Twitter called Andy Beal. He's an internet
marketing whizz, running the site, Marketing Pilgrim.

He runs contests every now and again. This one --
http://www.marketingpilgrim.com/2008/02/new-contest-win-an-ipod-touch.html
-- gives people the chance to win an iPod Touch.

He's a cunning fellow. And practices what he preaches. He's generating
tons of link love to his blog by encouraging people entering his
contest to spread the word.

If I win just by entering, I get an 8gig machine. If I tweet the link
on Twitter, I get the 16gig machine. And if I tweet AND blog the link,
I get the big daddy... The 32gig iPod Touch.

This is great for Andy, cos it gets a specific link out to a lot of
sources. So when Google and Yahoo and Technorati crawl the web, they
find that Andy Beal is one majorly serious player. So his search
ranking skyrockets.

The Al Qaeda Junior forces -- yet another masterstroke

This post is my response to John's piece on Commentary South Africa, 'Al Qaeda Junior'. In his piece, he expresses strong outrage at video footage showing children being trained for guerrilla warfare.

Nah. John's got the wrong end of the stick on this one.

The reason the 'war on terror' is unwinnable by the 'west' is thanks to reactive analyses like his.

What's happening is a paradigm shift of the most extreme kind. The September 11 Twin Towers demolition represents a change in the world order.

The message was quite simple: 'You are no longer safe. Anywhere.'

The recent use of mentally challenged women to detonate suicide bombs is nothing short of a stroke of genius. Because it adds another layer of pain to the message: 'You are no longer safe. From anyone.'

The 'discovery', 'release', and/or 'shooting' of a video showing a training camp in which children are being taught to be suicide bombers/guerrilla 'soldiers', whatever, is possibly one of the key masterstrokes of the propaganda war being fought by the Muslim extremists. (It appears the video was shot by western forces. Which makes it an even bigger mastercoup by the extremists. They couldn't have gotten better publicity if they'd simply leaked it.)

John's reaction plays completely into their hands. He's responding exactly the way their propaganda experts planned.

They wanted outrage. Whinings about human rights, the rights of children. Cries of anguish.

They wanted all westerners to think, 'How low will these bastards go? NOTHING is sacred to them!!!'

And yeah... they've definitely got us thinking that. (Soon they'll be training sweet little dogs to be suicide bombers. Mark my words. And THEN we'll see anguish!)

And all they've got to do to make this world unbearable for westerners is to publicize just ONE suicide bombing by a child.

Cos that'll lock it into our minds forever.

And the message will be: 'You are not safe from anyone, anywhere, ever again.'

Sadly, this war is inexplicable to us westerners.

I don't know about you, but I cannot fathom what 'they' want from 'us'.

In most wars, someone wants something from someone else. There's a goal. Once the goal is met, the war is over.

In this 'war', nobody has said what the goal is. Nobody has explicitly stated: 'This war will be over when x, y, and z have been achieved.'

Which is why it's a paradigm shift and a change in the world order. Cos as westerners, we don't have access to the correct way of thinking about this.

In addition, I'm not sure how many people are actually saying, 'What do you guys actually want?' Maybe if we ask, they'll tell us. And then we'll know how to end the war.

So... uh... I'll ask. Guys... what do you want? How do we make this all stop? Please respond in the comments section. Thanks.

The illustration started out as a sketch in ink in my Moleskine notebook. Then I pulled it into Photoshop via my HP scanner and coloured it to within an inch of its life. All on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc, of course. No pork was consumed during the making of this image.

Nescafe Rosebank -- here's to the current franchisees losing their license

So Jennifer and I are in Rosebank, scouting for a decent place to eat.

Nino's is out, since last time we were there, they sold us a stale
piece of week-old sponge cake, claiming it was their chocolate mousse
cake.

So we're sitting across the way, at Nescafe.

Nice view. Loads of hairstyles courtesy of the Misogynist Hairdressers Guild.

The waiter isn't wearing a name badge. Bad sign. He takes our order.
'Siyacela eTwo glasses of water, and a lemon and condensed milk
smoothie, please.'

Jennifer goes for the penne Napolitano. I order a Smoked Chicken and Avo salad.

The waiter comes back to the table and says, 'No avo.' He's not making
eye contact. He's not even all that interested in taking my order.

I ask him if I can substitute feta cheese. He nods. Leaves.

Comes back with two differently shaped and sized glasses of water.
Thirty seconds later, brings the smoothie.

I taste it. And almost spew chilled milky froth all over Jennifer. It
tastes rotten. Not merely off. Actively rotten. Disgustingly rotten.
'Jesus!' I say, trying to wipe my tongue off with a paper napkin.

Jennifer takes a test sip.

'Oh man,' she says, 'this is rotten! This milk is far gone!'

Luckily, I've got some mints in my pocket courtesy of Graham at Blue
Moon. Ten of them kill the taste for both of us.

As it happens, I've just had a warm chat with Graham. He runs a
fantastically successful stall at the Rosebank Flea Market, selling
imported British food. Which is why Jen and I are here in the first
place. We came to visit him and Claire, to show a bit of support.

I call the waiter. 'Brother, I think this milk is very badly off, and
I'm changing my order. Please take this back, and may I have a strong
Milo instead?'

'Okay,' he says, 'Milo.' And takes the offending specimen away.

A minute or so later, he comes back. With my ex-smoothie in his hand.
Plonks it down on my table. 'The manager says there's nothing wrong
with it. It's the way it is. Sweet and sour.'

'No, I changed my order, because this is off. I want a Milo, and I'm
not accepting this.'

'Then speak to the manager.'

'I don't need to speak to the manager. This is off.'

'There's the manager.'

So the 'manager' approaches the table. He's short. Intense black hair
tightly cropped. The first words out of his trap are, 'There ees
nothing wrong with that! Is sweet an sour.'

Bulgarian? Ukrainian?

He's got the fattest scowl on his lips. Very much a 'Punch Me Now' kinda look.

I say, 'I changed my order. This tastes off. And I'd like a Milo
instead please.'

Jennifer adds, 'We even had to eat peppermints to get the taste out of
our mouths.'

'That's how it tastes,' he says, scowling harder.

The drink sits in no man's land between us.

Nobody approaches it.

I say, 'You don't want to change my order, I'm walking. Come Jennifer.'

And I pick up our stuff, and I'm getting up, and leaving, and I hear
Napoleon-junior muttering under his breath.

'Fine. Leave.'

We're halfway to the Spur in The Zone when it dawns on me.

'They didn't taste that smoothie, did they?' I say.

Jennifer says, 'It was the same glass. If they tasted it, they sipped
from your glass.'

'And if they didn't, then how the hell do they know whether it's rotten or not?'

'Exactly.'

Misogynist Hairdressers Guild Badge -- Sticker Prank

Misogynist Hairdressers Guild Badge Colour, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

This has been a prank idea for a very long time...

To make a sticker to place surreptitiously on the doors of hairdressers who butcher women's hair.

I mean, seriously... there MUST be a secret guild of hairdressers dedicated to giving women reallllllllllllly bad hair advice and hair treatments and hairdos.

Think of 'older' women with blue rinses. You think they'd do that to themselves without being nudged by their hair salon??? Come on! Nobody wants to look like a poodle!

If you like this little piece of artwork, please feel free to make printouts on your colour laser printer (an inkjet will run in the rain). Cut them out. Place them in NEARLY hidden positions on the front doors of salons who perpetrate atrocities on women's hair.

The badges shouldn't be too big. I'd estimate that they should be no bigger than the palm of your hand.

This serves two purposes.

1. Any bigger, and the badges will be discovered too quickly to do any good.

2. You can easily approach a door IN BROAD DAYLIGHT with one of them concealed in your hand. Rest against the door briefly. Catch your breath. Move on. And the perpetrator is marked!

There's a version in B&W too.

I made this pic in two packages: CorelDraw 10.0 for the typography and design; Photoshop CS2 for the image manipulation and colouring.As source material, I did a Google image search for 'bad hair'. And found some glorious horrors. I've manipulated this one beyond recognition. All, as usual, on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc.stickerprank, sticker, prank, royblumenthal, blumenthal

2008-01-30 Poised

2008-01-30 Poised, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Yet another Photoshop Creative Readers' Challenge image.

This time, instead of sticking to realism, I used the images they supplied to really push things around a bit.

There's a fair amount of painting in this one, using the 'stamp' tool to paint with elements of the photos they gave me.

And a LOT of creative twisting and scrunching to change perspective.

Go online and give it a try. It's huge fun, and you could win a bunch of goodies if they dig your pic.

They're at www.pshopcreative.co.uk.

All done on my Toshiba Tecra M4, running Photoshop CS2.

2008-01-28 SARS Client Being Helped

2008-01-28 SARS Client Being Helped, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

I sketched the lineart for this pic in my li'l black Moleskine while sitting with Jennifer in a long queue.

We were at the South African Revenue Service -- SARS -- trying to sort out the fact that my tax profile had been hijacked by my ex-tax accountant, Debbie Duckworth.

The dude pictured was sitting at one of the booths, and the tax consultant was busy finding some documents for him.

When Jennifer and I got to our booth after about half an hour, we were helped by no fewer than three people simultaneously.

It was like one of those surgical emergencies where one team is working on the vascular system, another on the heart, and another fixing broken bones.

If you're ever at the Randburg SARS office getting help, I strongly recommend seeing Sibongile, Chester, or Tshidi. Or all three at once.

The upshot of all of this is that I phoned Debbie Duckworth, my ex-tax accountant, from someone else's cellphone. I had to do this because she was simply ignoring all of my phonecalls, and has been doing so since last year.

She didn't answer, so I left this message, with Sibongile amd Tshidi and Jennifer as my witnesses:

'Hi Debbie. This is Roy Blumenthal. It's approximately 5pm on Monday the 28th of January. I'm with a SARS official right now, and I'm letting you know that they're asking you to release my tax details from your profile.'

I handed the phone to Sibongile, who confirmed this.

I then took the phone and continued:

'I've had enough of the trouble you've caused for me, and earlier this afternoon I called the SARS Anti-Corruption Hotline, and they have indicated that they'll be investigating you. Please release my profile and let me get on with filing my tax return. Thanks.'

Seconds after I put the phone down and handed it back, it rang. It was Debbie.

'Hi Debbie,' I said, putting it on speakerphone.

She said, 'Hullo. Who am I speaking to?'

'It's Roy Blumenthal. Please can you sort out my tax profile situation.'

'What? Roy Blumenthal? Uh... I'll call you back later.'

Click.

The SARS people shook their heads sagely.

A little later, when they were trying to free my name from Debbie's profile, Sibongile asked me to try and call again, to see if Debbie would give them some information.

So I called from my phone. On speakerphone. In front of witnesses.

Debbie said, 'How dare you keep calling me! This is bordering on harassment! I've released your name!'

'Actually,' I said, 'you didn't. You simply deactivated my name, but kept it attached to your profile.'

'You're a psycho! Quite frankly, you're horrible! A psycho! All of the people at C_____t say so! You're a psycho. And you can have me investigated as much as you want, you're just a psycho!'

The 'people' at C_____t might very well have called me a psycho. Who knows? Maybe I AM a psycho. But what on earth has that got to do with my tax profile? (The people from C_____t include an ex-girlfriend of mine, and her buddy. Debbie is their accountant now.)

I said, 'Thanks Debbie. I'll say cheers now.'

And that should have been the end of that, cos Sibongile managed to liberate my profile, and it's now with its rightful owner -- me.

Which brings us up to tonight. My phone rings.

A guy's voice with a stiff Afrikaans accent says, 'Hello. Is this Roy Blumenthal? I'm Frik Botha, Debbie Duckworth's fiancee. I believe you're threatening her.'

'I'm not threatening her,' I say. 'And I'd appreciate it if you don't phone me.'

He kept telling me about how he would 'advise' me not to threaten his fiancee.

And I told him, 'Frik, please don't phone me again, or else I'll be seeking an injunction against you.'

So he carried on shouting into his phone.

I said, 'Thanks Frik. Please don't call again. Bye.'

He said, 'Don't you--'

Click. I put the phone down.

It rang again. And he threatened me some more. And I asked him politely not to call me again. And put the phone down.

All of which makes me think, 'What on EARTH is Debbie Duckworth doing all this for? I was the tiniest of all possible clients, with very straightforward books. And all she had to do was release my damn profile.

Instead, she's escalated this into a fullblown investigation. Not of me, but of HER!

Which is crazy. Cos if she's been lying to any of her clients the way she lied to me, then she's got stuff to hide. Which means she's got something to lose.

I've got nothing to lose. I'm just a crazy freelancer with a web presence.

I scanned the Moleskine sketch, and popped it into Photoshop CS2, where I spent way too long playing with colours and textures, and enjoying myself tremendously while Debbie and Frik seethed somewhere in suburban bliss in Helderkruin, Krugersdorp. And yeah... I believe the Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc IS tax deductable.

2008-01-07 Jennifer at Col Cacchio -- Colour Version 2008-01-20

2008-01-07 Jennifer at Col Cacchio -- Colour Version 2008-01-20, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

This is the colour version of a doodle I did on the table cover when Jen and I ate at Col'Cacchio in Benmore.

I'm truly amazed that the line work stands up to scrutiny. The linework itself is fine. I'm very happy with the original drawing. What amazes me is that this is actually a very poor photograph of the drawing, taken with my Nokia N91.

It's a 2 megapixel camera. And it's got this habit of taking the picture about 5 seconds after the fake shutter sound plays. And the camera has to be held deadstill for all that time, else it blurs.

I've really loved doing the colouring on this one.

All of it's been done in Photoshop CS2. There are about 25 layers, each one dedicated to different bits and pieces.

The key trick I've learned is to ALT-click on the 'New Layer' icon in the layers palette. Then select 'Overlay' as the layer mode. Then select 'Fill with 50% gray'.

Once the layer has been created, press the 'D' key. This sets the default colour palette to Black and White.

Use a brush set to between 10 and 40% opacity to paint into the grey overlay. Black 'Burns' the pic, making it darker. White 'Dodges', making it lighter.

Use the 'Smear' tool (the pointed finger) to shmoosh things around a bit to neutralise anything you don't like.

Killer tool. Several layers like this will result in kick ass highlights and shadows.

'And the Cupboard Was Just Plain Bare' 2008-01-19 Hangers -- For Illustration Friday, 'Plain'.

2008-01-19 Hangers -- Rich Texture, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Been working through an amazing book on Photoshop techniques, and kicking myself for never having given myself a chance on this incredible package.

It is literally THE most powerful art creation tool in the universe.

While I'll stick to ArtRage for all the painterly stuff, I'll be playing a lot more with the range of techniques Photoshop opens up for me.

In this one, I took a reference pic of some coathangers on a rack in our bedroom.

I then mashed the photo around, playing with things like contrast and hue and all sorts.

Then I used my lassoo tool to loosely model shapes which I filled with colour.

The original pic is no in this picture. It's entirely hand drawn in shapes.

I used loads of layers. A different layer for each coathanger, for example.

Finally, I added some texturing to the flat colour I used.

I made this pic as a response to Illustration Friday's topic, 'Straight'. At least, I THINK that's what the topic is. Don't recall. Will check later.

[UPDATE:]

Nope. The topic is 'Plain'. So I think I'll retitle this pic, 'And the cupboard was just plain bare'.

2008-01-16 Welcome to Your New Classroom With Jennifer

2008-01-16 Welcome to Your New Classroom With Jennifer, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Yesterday I helped Jennifer set up her classroom. I installed some shelves for the kids to pop their shoes into. And I also did a little drawing of Jennifer on the whiteboard.

I took a few snapshots of it with my Nokia N91 phone camera. And then transferred them to my computer.

Then Photoshop CS2 came into play in a big way to sharpen the images, and reconfigure the elements into a more pleasing composition. (More pleasing to me, that is.)

And of course, colouring and texturing.

I've made this pic for Jennifer to print on canvas and use every year as a banner to hang in her room.

(The name tag I made for her was an absolute hit. Kids and parents loved it. Colleagues were a little put out, because most of them insist on being called 'Mister' and 'Missus', rather than by their first names.)

I did the linework for this pic using eraseable whiteboard markers on a white surface in Jen's class. I took photos with my Nokia N91. And worked extensively on the images in Photoshop CS2. All on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc.

Please call me Jennifer -- Desk Card

Please call me Jennifer -- Desk Card, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Jennifer starts her school term tomorrow. The school she works at has a pretty 'stifled' management, who seem to insist on being called Mister and Missus by the children.

That strikes me as a way of creating a non-learning environment. And Jennifer despises the formality.

Some time ago I created a name tag for her to use with the kids. This is a mild modification of that tag, to be placed on the reigistration desk for the 10-year-olds and their parents to greet Jennifer right the first time.

Getting off on the right foot.

[UPDATE:]
Jennifer popped this card on her registration table in this huge hall, filled with kids, parents and teachers.

Kids absolutely loved the name tag, and really responded to Jennifer's request that they use her first name.

The parents also loved the name tag. And responded very positively to Jennifer as a consequence. (One of the reasons they respond to her so positively is that she has a reputation as being one of the most exciting teachers in her school. I was there yesterday when a parent who had a kid in her class last year kicked up a fuss because her second kid wasn't in Jen's class this year. The matter was rectified.)

The interesting thing is that the staff and management of the school responded with indifference, and, in some cases, disdain. Shame on them. They're ULTRA fixed on 'the old ways'. And as far as I can tell, this makes them dinosaurs who are going to need to take urgent action to avoid extinction.

Using a teacher's first name in class hurts noone. It doesn't break the 'authority' of the teacher. It's about learning, for goodness sake. It's not about petty ego issues.

Ah well.

If you're a teacher, and you'd like a name tag like this, I'm willing to do freebies for a little while, when I have time. Drop me an email on schmucknews@gmail.com.