Saturday, May 05, 2007

A polyamory quandary at Earth2

Friday, May 4, 2007

Service: * * * *
Food: * * 1/2
Ambience: * * *
Babe Count: * * * *

As you might know, I attend a polyamory supper once a month. Last night (Friday), J and I schlepped off to Earth 2 for this month's installment.

J and I are exploring the possibilities of poly. Currently, we're dating only each other. And it's pretty delicious as things stand. So who knows if one of us is going to end up with another partner. J isn't really keen on having another partner. But she's open to the possibility of me having another.

I'm not exactly sure what this could mean for the future. But what it means for the present is that I'm not suffering the monogamy tunnel vision that I've customarily fallen into. I think it's simply because the option exists for me to have another partner. So I'm not locked into this weird shut-down that I've been used to.

So anyway, we've both been going to the poly moots every month. And they're always at Earth 2, a vegan restaurant in Emmarentia/Linden, across the road from the Emmarentia Dam.

If you're vegan, or an ethical eater, try them out.

One of the regular members of the group -- a dapper fellow I'll call 'G' -- brought a quandary with him to group.

What would YOU advise???

First things first... The supper was good. I had a new addition to the menu... The felafel in pita. And the hot choc was outrageously delicious.

There were very few people there. (O... What's happening with you?? You don't write. You don't phone. You don't love us anymore?)

But as usual, the conversation was superb.

G brought a quandary that he wanted to share with the group.

A buddy of his is in a dilemma, and G basically wanted to share that dilemma with the group in order to get some perspective on the matter.

So here's the dilemma. Let's open it to the floor. I'm going to be using fake names, cos the names aren't important. (I've changed all names to protect the innocent. Since polyamory isn't the most mainstream of relationship choices for most South Africans, many people practicing polyamory don't like to advertise the fact. I'm completely comfortable with people knowing these things about me. Doesn't make any difference to my life, as far as I can make out.)

'Delicia' is a beautiful young thing. She has very wealthy parents. And she's studying something at college. 24-years-old, and wrenchingly gorgeous. Delicia has a boyfriend, 'Flydude'. He's exceptionally wealthy, due to his being an international man of mystery, in the aviation field. Flydude only sees Delicia about six times a year, for about a week at a time. During this week, he shags her senseless, and makes her see the value of long distance relating.

Outside of this week of decadence, he regularly deposits inhumanly large amounts of money in her student account. So much money that she has, shall we say, 'grown to appreciate the good life'.

Our friend enters the scene. His name is 'Lovestruck'.

Somehow, Lovestruck meets Delicia through a mutual acquaintance. And he is immediately smitten. It's love at first glimpse. True love. For both of them.

But here's the problem. Delicia appears not to have any agreements in place with the super-wealthy, money-in-my-account Flydude. These non-existent agreements are around the area of extramural activities.

(To the non-poly-minded reader, it might be useful to point out that polyamory is NOT about having affairs or casual sexual flings. It's about having commited relationships with more than one person. With rules of engagement. Truth on the table. Negotiated ways of approaching things.)

Quite simply put... Delicia is a 'kept woman'. She is paid vast sums of money to be Flydude's 'babe-on-tap'.

But now Delicia has proclaimed her love for Lovestruck. And has assured Lovestruck that everything's gonna be okay, and he has nothing to worry about.

Lovestruck specifically doesn't have to worry about the fact that Flydude comes from a military background. And that his mysterious activities overseas yield him untold fortunes. And that he has connections in places that most people don't have places.

In short, Delicia is assuring Lovestruck that she -- at the tender age of twenty-four -- has the necessary bomb-disposal skills to protect Lovestruck from the wrath of Flydude.

Here's Lovestruck's dilemma as presented to the group...

Should Lovestruck regard this as a poly-Vee, with Delicia at the apex of the Vee, and Flydude and himself on the arms?

A 'Vee' is one of the many possible permutations available to polyamorous people. Think of a guy with two girlfriends. He loves both of the girls, and each of them loves him. The two girls aren't involved with each other. They know ABOUT each other, and may even KNOW each other. But they're not in any kind of relationship with each other. They're in primary, commited relationships with the same guy. That's a 'Vee'.

Let's pause while Sarah brings us our supper.


Here's how the group responded to G.

Two people summed up G's presentation of Lovestruck's dilemma in three words each.

J said: 'Run, Forest, RUN!!!'

Roy (that's me) said: 'It's a duck.'

Roy went on to explain what his three words meant. 'If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, squawks like a duck, and swims like a duck, there's a very, very good chance that it's a duck.'

Which is short-hand for, 'This situation is EVERYTHING it appears to be.'

I'll elaborate.

I think it's pretty obvious that no matter how love-struck Lovestruck is, Delicia is one ultra-manipulative, dishonest, high-maintenance, extremely-dangerous, high-priced courtesan.

I'm holding back from using the word 'Hooker' out of respect for Lovestruck's delicate emotional state right now. Such words might throw him into a deep funk of resistance to outside opinion.

But for godsake! Let's get some perspective here... On their very first date, Flydude BOUGHT Delicia a frigging CAR!

I ask myself two questions about this:

1. What type of a dude buys a girl a car on their first date?

2. What type of a gal ACCEPTS a car from a stranger on their first date?

Answer 1. It's a duck.

Answer 2. It's a duck.

The consensus at the deliciously-laden vegan table at Earth2 in Emmarentia, served by the delightful Sarah, was that G should advise his friend to proceed with caution. Not because of the physical harm Flydude might inflict.


Such harm would be trivial in the face of the emotional harm that Delicia is ALREADY inflicting on the hapless Lovestruck. And there's so much more to come if Lovestruck continues on the flight-path fate has chosen for him. Because Delicia is almost certainly the gift that keeps on giving.

Consensus in the room was that this ISN'T a poly situation at all. It's a good time gal having multiple affairs (yes... Lovestruck isn't her first extra-mural 'boyfriend'). There's very little, if ANY, truth on the table. And 'New Relationship Energy' (did I mention that Lovestruck and Delicia only met three weeks ago?) is in full swing.

Sigh. Does anyone else have any advice for Lovestruck?

Oh yeah... I asked G to ask Lovestruck one question...

'Has Lovestruck been indulging in the pleasures of the flesh WITH condoms or without?'

If the answer is 'with', my feeling is that it would be best to encourage him to continue in that vein.

If the answer is, 'Well... She's a really beautiful woman, and she's totally truthful, and Lovestruck really trusts her, and she'd never lie to him, and they've both had their HIV tests, and she's not sleeping with anyone else, and she's really head over heels in love with Lovestruck, and it's all fine...', well, uh, how can I be tactful here?

I would tell Lovestruck that if he ISN'T using condoms in his explorations of her love for him, then he reallllllllllly needs help.

I just felt that this needed to be on the table.

What do you think? What would YOU do in Lovestruck's position?

For more info on polyamory as a lifestyle choice, please visit

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