Soccer: 'The Beautiful Game' or 'Beautiful Maim'?

Soccer is a game of sneaky attempts to maim and wound. These attempts are hidden from view by misdirection, smarmy smiles, superlative acting. 

And the cherry on top? The victim of the abuse is complicit in covering it up.

Let's unpack this by comparing soccer to rugby.

In soccer, you're NOT ALLOWED to hurt your opponent. Point blank. And there are reams of rules governing how you can engage your opponent.

In rugby, you're REQUIRED to hurt your opponent. And the laws governing play are in place to prevent you from MAIMING your opponent.

Because soccer rules prevent physical contact with opponents, a lot of time and energy and brainpower is put into players learning how to hurt their opponents without being seen. 

In rugby, the violence is in the open. In soccer, it's hidden.

In rugby, the violence is an acknowledged part of the game. In soccer, it's a big, dirty, secret, one that every player is party to, every ref is party to, every supporter is party to, every broadcast camera is party to.

In rugby, when violence is perpetrated, our response is, 'Whoooof! That hurt!' In soccer, when we see an illegal tackle, a crushing of foot bones, a deliberate break attempt at the knee, we go, 'Hahahaha! What a sneaky tackle! Heheehe! Ref didn't see it! Good for you, mate! Clever play!'

Soccer continues to allow this kind of abuse. And we celebrate it. In my view, this creates a climate of tolerance of hidden abuse. How many men secretly think it's okay for them to punch their wives, girlfriends, children, as long as noone finds out? As long as the abuse remains hidden? As long as the marks are confined to out-of-sight places?

2007-09-04 Apologies -- a Monday Night at AACA

2007-09-04 Apologies -- a Monday Night at AACA, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Last night's AACA meeting was pretty cool for me. Rod talked about the tendency of Adult Children of Abuse to defend their right to be right at all costs.

I've found that I've been mellowing a lot in this respect since I started going to AACA meetings. My own tendency in the past has been to take extremely principled stands about stuff. Even to my detriment.

One of the ways this used to manifest was in perfectionism in my old career as an advertising copywriter. I would often get into fights with client service people because 'I was right and they were wrong'.

Nowadays, I recognise that sometimes certain clients are idiots with or without my help, and nothing I can do will change them from their idiocy. And this means I'm much less rigid about things. And I'll do the excellent, yet non-perfectionistic thing now.

This is a very tough thing for me to do. Cos I'm into excellence. And to let go control for the sake of a crap client goes against everything I'm used to in myself.

But hey... as the saying goes: 'Perfect is the enemy of the good.'

Thankfully, I have very few bad clients nowadays. I seem to have perfected the art of attracting bright, intelligent, capable clients into my world.

This painting was made in two stages... (1) I doodled it into my Moleskine at AACA last night. (2) I scanned it this morning, and coloured it in ArtRage 2.5 on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc. And I resisted perfectionism.

UPDATED Friday 7 Sept 2007: I added the bits in green text today, after Jennifer pointed out that I sound like a disgruntled fellow suffering through the burden of only having bad clients. I didn't intend that at all. The poor clients are a thing of the past. The last crap client I had was about two years ago. And since then, they've all been damn cool. My purpose in talking about this stuff is that the focus in the AACA meeting was on people who don't get on well with others, thanks to their background of being abused. I was trying to illustrate that everything can be overcome. I hope this clarifies things somewhat.

Tags: aaca, abuse, recovery, aa, twelve steps, 12 steps, adult children of abuse, royblumenthal, roy blumenthal, blumenthal, coffeeshopschmuck

What to do if you're an adult child of abuse

I received a letter from someone in response to the video I made about being an adult child of abuse.


Characteristics of Adult Children of Abuse -- Roy's Story

The video is on YouTube, and the letter was sent via their mail system. When I tried sending my response, I got the message that the body of my mail was too long. So I've decided to blog it, and ask the person who emailed me to read it here.

Basically, the person is an adult who grew up in an abusive household. This person has asked if it's a good idea to stop seeing the abusers.

Here's my response...

Hiya L...

Thanks very much for your message. I really appreciate your getting in touch with me.

In the grand scheme of things, it nothing actually 'hurts' a person. IF we look at things from a specific point of view. I'm particularly fond of seeing EVERYTHING as a learning experience.

You mention that you're entering law school. What's the very worst that can happen if you don't complete your law degree? What's the worst consequence? Not a hell of a lot. Maybe you'll have spent some money. Some time. Maybe someone will be disappointed in you. Whatever. Regardless, YOU've learned stuff. Whether you think so or not.

So neutralise the fear by putting it into perspective.

That's the first step, I reckon.

---

The relationship one has with the abusers in one's life.

This is not a trivial subject, and it totally depends on the individuals involved.

Here's what I'd do in your shoes...

1. Get yourself into therapy. Doesn't really matter what kind of therapy. But it's probably a good call to go with a therapist who has dealt with abuse before. You're pretty much going to need the support of a professional when you start dealing with this stuff. You might think that you don't need such a thing. It's a resource. Use your resources.

2. Get yourself into an AACA group near you. While AACA is pretty much about the effects of having grown up with an alcoholic, those effects are almost identical to ANY form of abuse. One key reason to get into a regular AACA group is that you find yourself surrounded by real people with real issues just like yours. I find that it 'normalises' the crap.

3. Move slowly. Whatever your status quo is surrounding the two abusers you've mentioned, it's probably better for your sense of self to just keep things stable for now. UNLESS they're currently abusing you. If you're being abused by them now, get away from the abuse. But seriously, do this under guidance from a therapist. It's hardcore stuff.

4. Read stuff. I can't tell from your intro video whether or not you're a dude or a gal. Doesn't entirely matter. But one of the books I'll recommend to you is geared towards males. (But all of these things are actually gender-neutral, so it doesn't matter too much.) WOUNDED BOYS HEROIC MEN: A Man's Guide to Recovering from Child Abuse by Daniel Jay Sonkin is excellent. And THE COURAGE TO HEAL WORKBOOK: For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis is a must-have, regardless of what type of abuse you've suffered.

---

I strongly urge you to get professional help. When you start scratching at the surface of abuse, the worms start wriggling. It can get hectic. Very strong feelings emerge. Rage. Despair. Suicidal feelings are possible.

Are you at all suicidal at the moment? Have you been in the past? If so, get help BEFORE you go anywhere near examining this material.

---

I can tell you my own response to my parents. But it's MY response. And there's no such thing as a typical response. And there's certainly no such thing as a 'right' response. It reallllllly is all totally individual.

In my case, I dutifully visited my parents for many years after I left the house. At first, I visited every week. Then it quickly tailed into every second week. Then every month. Then, those monthly visits started getting shorter. I used to have meals there. I stopped that. From two hours or so, my visits got down to a hellishly long ten minutes.

At that point, I still wasn't aware that I was an adult child of abuse. I was just incredibly uncomfortable being there. My mom and dad hated each other actively. And blamed me for their marriage, cos they got married 'because' of me.

At a certain point, I started questioning why I kept going there.

And my visits shrank to a hellishly long ten minutes every third or fourth month.

Then they left town, and retired to the coast. And I didn't see them for ages. And I felt unburdened somehow.

Finally, one day my mom pulled a terrible guilt trip on me on the phone, and I said something like this to her: 'I really don't need to be guilt-tripped by you. You keep complaining how I don't phone you. But you have my phone number. You have a phone. I can complain about how YOU don't phone ME. If you WANT to communicate with me, please do YOUR bit.'

And that was pretty much the end of active engagement with my parents. I saw my dad once before he died. And I saw my mom once before she died. And I'm glad they're gone. I now no longer have to deal with their crap.

And my brother and I have started getting along better too.

---

The one thing you mention in your story is that they aren't completely healed.

There's something very potent I've gotten from going to the AACA meetings. And that's that I can only control my OWN responses to things. And I can't cure the abuser. In fact, I have nothing to do with the abuser.

So I'm afraid I have to tell you that there's no control you have over your desire for them to be healed. Sure, you can introduce the issues to them in conversation or whatever. But they'll do with that information whatever they end up doing. Their reaction might be what you're after. It might not.

To my mind, it would be best for you to DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU. If that means staying away from them, do it. Sure, there'll be guilt feelings stirred up. Loads of them. Strong feelings, as I mentioned before. They're part of being an adult child of abuse. Once you're aware of the patterns, you can release their grip on you.

If it's best for you to continue seeing them, do that with awareness too. There'll be pain. Discomfort. But discomfort is NOT the enemy. It's an indicator. It's a resource. It TELLS you stuff. Listen to what it tells you. Learn from it.

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Now get into therapy. Seriously. Just do it, regardless of any rationalisations about why you shouldn't or can't or won't. Do it. Do it NOW. Even if it's to go to a free emergency crisis counselling service.

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I hope this has been a helpful response to you. It's a tough situation you're in. And I empathise with the stuff you're facing.

Take things one day at a time. Take control of the things YOU can control. Learn from things. Be aware of your patterns. Allows your feelings. Do what's best for you.

Blue skies
love
Roy

Tags: aaca, abuse, recovery