Mugg & Bean, Sandton City

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Service: * * * 1/2
Food: N/A
Ambience: * * *
Babe Count: * * *
Phone: +27 11 883 4913

Not much is open after the play. It's not TOO late. Only about 10:30 or 11:00pm. What's wrong with these places???

So we're at Mugg & Bean, having ascertained that they're still willing to serve us coffee.

"Let's not talk about the play," says Bianca.

And she's right. We can't. One of my friends stars in it, Ashley Dowds, and his performance is good. But the play isn't. It's just lame.

Bianca says, "I can't believe it's an award winning play."

"Where??? Where did it win awards?"

"In Britain."

Basically, the play is about a psychiatric institution somewhere in Britain. A junior psychiatrist wants to commit his patient. The supervisor wants to release the patient. Turns out that the patient thinks that the orange oranges sitting in a fruit bowl are actually blue. Not just the skin, the insides too. And there's a disturbing incident in his past in which it is implied that it's possible that this nutcase has actually had sex with an orange. Shock and horror!!!

Pah!

I've had sex with a cucumber before. Not just once. (This is strictly a male masturbation thing I'm revealing here. It was told to me by a good friend of mine now living in Cape Town, and I tried it, and it works. Open your mind before you read further. Right... this is what you do... you buy a cucumber of above-average girth. You take it home, cut a section about ten centimetres long. Use a teaspoon to hollow out the flesh, so you've got a cylinder. Be sure to not take out TOO much flesh. You want a fairly tight fit. Soak the hollowed out cucumber in hot water for a minute or so to heat it up to body temperature. Apply cucumber to erection and manipulate. According to my good friend in Cape Town, the inside of a cucumber is the closest vegetable simulation of the inside of a vagina known to man. I'll vouch for that.)

So what's the outrage when a psychiatric patient shags an orange??? Aside from the fact that he must be out of his mind, cos it stings, shouldn't somebody tell him to use a cucumber instead?