Doppio Zero, Greenside

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Service: * * * *
Food: * * *
Ambience: * * * 1/2
Babe Count: * * * *

It's half business meeting and possible romantic muddle. But I've got this silly thing about not shagging people I work. Not that Carla and I work together, of course. Not yet, anyway. She's a production manager at a company that makes tv shows, and they're looking for a director. The producers liked my cv, and now they want to see some of the episodes of GO_OPEN, the show I've been directing.

It's supposed to be a brunch, but we've been chatting for ages, and it's already getting way past lunch, and well into late afternoon.

We talk about polyamory and bondage and all sorts of things. "Oh," I say, "before I forget, are you interested in being a beta tester in a self-hypnosis program I've developed?"

"Well," she says, "I'm VERY suggestible, so hypnosis works well for me. What's the program?"

"It's a set of scripts that allow you to have an orgasm on command."

I pull a sheaf of papers out of my Exclusive Books packet. Neatly stapled. Ten pages. A few penciled corrections in the margins. I hand them to her, and she scans the first few paragraphs.

Basically, I've broken the task down into three distinct phases. Firstly, the self-hypnosis scripts set up an association between a key phrase and orgasm. This involves lots of self-manipulation and moaning and dilated nostrils. The next phase associates the phrase with sex. And the third phase allows the phrase to induce orgasm without any sexual context at all.

Imagine sitting with your lust-partner in a restaurant. A waiter arrives to take the order. Your partner is about to say something, but you interrupt. "Huge red carnation," you say, and the waiter has no idea what you're talking about. Your partner, however, gets red cheeks, starts wriggling, hands start sweating, starts gasping, moans. Orgasm has just been reached with no effort!

And the waiter is still none the wiser.

Another buddy of mine is highly excited. He reckons this is megabucks for me. Figures I'll be able to revolutionise sexual liberation. Hmmm. Maybe I'll have to compile it into a classy e-Book, and sell it to people. But it's still in beta testing, so it's not for sale yet. Watch this site. Hehehehehhe."

"Email this to me immediately!!!" says Carla.