Wiesenhof, Killarney

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

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Babe Count: * * 1/2

"Ian tells me it's going well between you and Karen, hmmm?" says Damon.

He's briefly back from Richards Bay, where he's on the cast of a British mini series. It's set on a ship.

I saw Ian yesterday. He was briefly back in Joburg, and now he's in Cape Town. Moving down there in a month, permanently. He's addicted to kite surfing.

"Yeah," I say to Damon. "A bit TOO well. You know I spoke to you about pushing this non-monogamy button in me?"

He nods.

"Well," I say, "it seems to be going exceptionally well with Karen. And I'm falling back into monogamy. AND I HAVEN'T EVEN SHAGGED ONE OTHER WOMAN!!!!"

"Roy, you've got to follow your heart, man. What does your heart say?"

"Well, I think I'm actually a monogamist at heart," I say. "It doesn't really feel right to be exploring a relationship with someone and still shag other women. But I really don't KNOW this for sure. I've never BEEN non-monogamous. It's not something I know. And while I'm in the middle of this paradigm shift, I want to make full use of the psychological changes I'm going through."

I've had this same chat with My Mate M, otherwise known on this site as MMM, the author of the guide to BDSM sex that appears on the Sunday 18 July, Doppio Zero, write-up here. His take on it is interesting. MMM reckons that sane women into bondage are very rare, and that for every sane one, there are literally dozens of insane ones. So, he feels that if Karen is sane, and I'm comfortable with her, and I like her, and I get on with her, and she likes me, what's the problem? Stay with her. Forget about the artificial playing at non-monogamy.

"So," says Damon, "shag other women."

"But I don't think I want to," I say.

"So don't," he says. "Now, details about the bondage please."

So I mention a few of the naughty things Karen and I got up to when we went to see Harry Sideropoulos's BIG BAND BLAST. I'm a buddy of Harry's, so he organised me some VIP tickets. Brilliant show. HARRY! YOU ROCK, CHINA!!!!

"Jeepers, Roy," says Damon once I've been a little specific with him. He doesn't blush easily, but he's blushing now.

Mugg & Bean, Cresta

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Service: * * 1/2
Food: N/A
Ambience: * * *
Babe Count: * * * * *

"So," I say to N., "are we having an affair?"

N. is the beautiful creature I had supper with at Primi Piatti on Friday. I held her hair in my hands and pulled, and she went into subspace. She went into that zone. Immediately. A natural and voracious submissive.

I've made a huge, vast, breakthrough in my relationship thinking. I had a chat with Karen last night. A loving, respectful chat about my feelings for her and monogamy and my wanting to have D/s sex with some of the other women I've come into contact with.

My breakthrough is this: in my past, I've allowed myself to "fall" into relationships for whatever reason. And I've assumed that when I'm out of slut mode, and into monogamy mode, that the girl I'm shagging is THE one, the girl I'm in relationship with.

But because of the paradigm shift I've experienced with Karen being into the kinky stuff, and my discovery that I'm into it too, some other assumptions have been shifted. For me, it's more important to allow myself to explore other women and have sex with them and feel what it feels like to be lovingly non-monogamous. Even polyamorous. If there are babes who want to play with me, and I want to play with them, I want to be able to do it guilt-free.

And Karen has agreed that she's not ready for monogamy either, that she's also exploring. And that monogamy at the moment is scary, cos it smacks of commitment, and that commitment now is too much, too soon.

I look at N. and say it again, "Are we having an affair?"

She looks at me, and her mouth twitches into a frightened smile. "Are we?" she says.

"Is that what you want?" I ask.

We've been talking about D/s. Since our Friday chat, her world has been turned inside out. Just the way mine was turned by Karen. Because N. is bored with regular sex, and doesn't think her new boyfriend will cope with her newly wakened appetites. And she isn't really even sure if she wants to explore this stuff with him.

D/s. Dominance and submission. Bondage and Discipline. Sadism and Masochism. BDSM. S&M. A kinky world that seemingly lots and lots and lots of men and women are keen on, but haven't tried. A world that many people assume to be sick and twisted and perverted and ugly and cruel and psycho. A world most of us have only interfaced with through the leather-clad gimp chained into a dungeon in PULP FICTION.

The reality of it is far more subtle than anything I could have imagined. My experiences with Karen so far have been a total and utter mindfuck for me. I have allowed my shadow self into the light. In fact, last night Karen saw a part of me I NEVER show the real world. Unfiltered Roy. Just me. Nothing dangerous. Nothing fierce. Just real. More real than anything anyone knows me has had access to. (Well, Zahava has seen me in this mode. She's my therapist. And she's commented that I'm very, very scary when I'm in this mode. Cos it looks like I'm out of control. But I'll tell you about control another day.)

For me, it manifests in my eyes. Under normal conditions, the only time that pure, unfiltered Roy comes out of hiding is under conditions of extreme anger. And then, what you'd see looking into my eyes is pure, unmoderated anger. Hatred even.

But what Karen sees when she sees that part of me is pure power. And she goes deep into subzone. Cos she's in the presence of someone she is supremely confident about. She knows that I'm at my essential best. And that she's in danger. And that I have the power of self-control.

Whew. What a rush.

If you've never tied up your lover, yanked on her hair, and slapped her hard across the face, and had her love you for it, you'll have absolutely NO idea what the hell I'm talking about. You'll be thinking, "Roy's a psycho. Lock him away and chuck out the key. Pervert." And until very recently, I probably would have agreed with you.

But you see, D/s play is consensual. And that's exactly what it is... Play. It's two equal partners engaging in a very elaborate psychological drama of their own making, with both of them on the edges of their comfort zones.

Until I met Karen, I'd never hit a woman. Not ever.

And now, in one night, I must have slapped her a good sixty or seventy times. Three of those times were hard enough to make her cheeks very red. One time I misjudged the swing, and connected with her jaw, and hurt my fingers a bit. Twice she tried putting her hands up to ward me off. Punishment followed. Punishment being a very hard three strokes with an open hand to one bare buttock. VERY sore. Very loud. And each stroke telling her I'm in control, and that I'm fully able to keep her in subspace, which is where she's in touch with bliss. Most of the other slaps to her face were dummies... light brushes of the hand. That jerk of the shoulders to threaten a hit. I even made her laugh a few times by pulling my hand back and scratching my eyebrow. Each gesture followed by a whimper. Sometimes, I'd threaten a hit, and then just stroke her cheek. And I'd lean forward and kiss her. And she'd kiss me back. Passionately.

And now here's N., asking me to have an affair with her, cos she wants to go to these places. She wants to dance with her dark side and give up control to me. She wants to feel the release of being in the safe hands of a dominant man. She wants to engage her fantasies and allow her womanhood to blossom like she's never let it before.

She says, "We can have the odd rendezvous. A few scenes."

I think about this. "Have you told your new boyfriend about your desires?"

"He wouldn't understand," she says. "And there's one thing... you can't meet him. Not ever. Cos he'd know, like this..." She snaps her fingers. "...About us."

"You know what, N.," I say. "I like you. I enjoy your company. I think you're gorgeous to look at. I want to learn more about you. And I certainly want to fuck you. And I want to play D/s with you. These things I want. But more than that, I think we need to seriously consider whether this is correct for us. You have a boyfriend, and your truth isn't on the table for him or for you. And it's not on the table for me. Who knows whether or not you and I have a relationship future? But I know one thing... relationships tend to end the way they start. If we start in an affair, how will we end?"

She swings her hair. Looks sad. "It's all about trust," she says. "We'd never trust each other."

"And in D/s, trust is THE most important element," I say.

"Let's wait," she says.

"And," I say, "maybe you should let this new boyfriend know about your needs. If he gets freaked out, you'll have that truth on the table. And then you can make an informed decision about whether or not he's right for you. And if he wants to play D/s with you, then maybe he's right for you."

"We'll wait," she says.

And I can just imagine the feel of her hair wrapped in my fist. I can see her wrists tied at her breasts. I can see her naked under me. And I can see her in subspace, her mind in bliss. My mind afire.

Wiesenhof, Killarney

Monday, August 02, 2004

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"Ah," says Matt, "how did 'The Shaved Tormentor' do tonight?"

That's my name, now that my kinky exploits on this website have become common knowledge at the backgammon club. Several of my fellow gammoneers follow this site to find chinks in my armour so they can try and defeat me.

Harrumph. They are mere small fry.

Tonight's victim is Barry. I started off with a handsome lead. I easily outmaneuvered him to a scorching lead of 20--10.

And then the natural dominator in me started playing cat and mouse games with him. I magnanimously allowed him to believe that he was catching up to me.

Well... that's how I like to think of the almost-whipping I took at his hands. Barry played some mighty backgammon, and pulled up to 20--18, before I got that final last game out of him, and I triumphed, the mighty Bald Tormentor, shaven king of the B-div, unbeaten in my three games so far this cycle.

And it's Danny's last shift here at Wiesenhof. He's going to concentrate on other things. What a nice fellow. I hope he does well in the world.

I send a victory sms to Karen who's on holiday at the South Coast. 'Congrats!' comes her reply. And, 'Went for a hike. Came back to find that Dave's mom locked the keys in the house. At restaurant now waiting for maid to get home and open for us.'

Mugg & Bean, Rosebank

Sunday, August 01, 2004

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Babe Count: * * * * *

Phone: +27 11 880 5050

Holy mackerel. I'm with Amelie. She's one of the babes I've been corresponding with from the internet dating site. Ouch. Pain. Groin strain. Babeage deluxe.

Turns out we've met before, at a party a year and a half ago, back when I was still single (pre-Jacqui) and she was single. And for some reason, we were ships in the night, and beyond flirting, nothing happened.

Now we're both on the same dating site. Gee, uh, small world, uh, uhm, what a coincidence.

I've told Amelie that I'm in the starting throes of a possible relationship with Karen, and that coffee would be platonic, and would that be cool with her? It's cool. So here we are. And I'm talking about my new-found interest in kinky sex.

And, uh... small world... she's fully into it herself. Lived a full on kinkster lifestyle for years before her daughter was born. She's now two-and-a-bit years old. "I've just come out of a one-year relationship," she says. And the dude just wasn't into kinky stuff. I told him about my past, and I've got loads of books and things. Every now and again, he'd ask me about it, and I'd show him a book. He'd look at the TAMEST of things and get nauseous, and then we wouldn't have sex for ages. And then he'd ask again, and the same thing. He's a realllllly good guy, but in the end, we weren't having any sex at all. And while the rest of the relationship was great, there was just nothing happening sexually."

This girl's beautiful beyond comprehension.

"The final straw," she says, "was when we went to a vampire party. I dressed up in some bondage gear -- I've got a huge collection of toys, by the way -- a corset, rubber, that sort of thing, and the party just blew his mind." She pauses. "But he tried."

And she's an artist.

I tell her about my monogamy, and that I'm grappling with it, and that I don't necessarily want it. And we go into some of the philosophical areas of monogamy, what it means, why we do it. And I'm in serious paradigm shift territory. I wish Karen would get back from her holiday on the South Coast so we can have a good chat and some hard sex. With ropes.

"Oh heck!" says Amelie. We've been totally absorbed in each other. "It's four o'clock!"

"You've gotta go to Fashion Week," I say. "Go! It's not rude! No apologising, please!"

When I was a kid, I thought I was a vampire. I wonder if that makes it okay for me to bite her neck?