Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Service: * * 1/2
Ambience: * * *
Babe Count: * * * * *
"So," I say to N., "are we having an affair?"
N. is the beautiful creature I had supper with at Primi Piatti on Friday. I held her hair in my hands and pulled, and she went into subspace. She went into that zone. Immediately. A natural and voracious submissive.
I've made a huge, vast, breakthrough in my relationship thinking. I had a chat with Karen last night. A loving, respectful chat about my feelings for her and monogamy and my wanting to have D/s sex with some of the other women I've come into contact with.
My breakthrough is this: in my past, I've allowed myself to "fall" into relationships for whatever reason. And I've assumed that when I'm out of slut mode, and into monogamy mode, that the girl I'm shagging is THE one, the girl I'm in relationship with.
But because of the paradigm shift I've experienced with Karen being into the kinky stuff, and my discovery that I'm into it too, some other assumptions have been shifted. For me, it's more important to allow myself to explore other women and have sex with them and feel what it feels like to be lovingly non-monogamous. Even polyamorous. If there are babes who want to play with me, and I want to play with them, I want to be able to do it guilt-free.
And Karen has agreed that she's not ready for monogamy either, that she's also exploring. And that monogamy at the moment is scary, cos it smacks of commitment, and that commitment now is too much, too soon.
I look at N. and say it again, "Are we having an affair?"
She looks at me, and her mouth twitches into a frightened smile. "Are we?" she says.
"Is that what you want?" I ask.
We've been talking about D/s. Since our Friday chat, her world has been turned inside out. Just the way mine was turned by Karen. Because N. is bored with regular sex, and doesn't think her new boyfriend will cope with her newly wakened appetites. And she isn't really even sure if she wants to explore this stuff with him.
D/s. Dominance and submission. Bondage and Discipline. Sadism and Masochism. BDSM. S&M. A kinky world that seemingly lots and lots and lots of men and women are keen on, but haven't tried. A world that many people assume to be sick and twisted and perverted and ugly and cruel and psycho. A world most of us have only interfaced with through the leather-clad gimp chained into a dungeon in PULP FICTION.
The reality of it is far more subtle than anything I could have imagined. My experiences with Karen so far have been a total and utter mindfuck for me. I have allowed my shadow self into the light. In fact, last night Karen saw a part of me I NEVER show the real world. Unfiltered Roy. Just me. Nothing dangerous. Nothing fierce. Just real. More real than anything anyone knows me has had access to. (Well, Zahava has seen me in this mode. She's my therapist. And she's commented that I'm very, very scary when I'm in this mode. Cos it looks like I'm out of control. But I'll tell you about control another day.)
For me, it manifests in my eyes. Under normal conditions, the only time that pure, unfiltered Roy comes out of hiding is under conditions of extreme anger. And then, what you'd see looking into my eyes is pure, unmoderated anger. Hatred even.
But what Karen sees when she sees that part of me is pure power. And she goes deep into subzone. Cos she's in the presence of someone she is supremely confident about. She knows that I'm at my essential best. And that she's in danger. And that I have the power of self-control.
Whew. What a rush.
If you've never tied up your lover, yanked on her hair, and slapped her hard across the face, and had her love you for it, you'll have absolutely NO idea what the hell I'm talking about. You'll be thinking, "Roy's a psycho. Lock him away and chuck out the key. Pervert." And until very recently, I probably would have agreed with you.
But you see, D/s play is consensual. And that's exactly what it is... Play. It's two equal partners engaging in a very elaborate psychological drama of their own making, with both of them on the edges of their comfort zones.
Until I met Karen, I'd never hit a woman. Not ever.
And now, in one night, I must have slapped her a good sixty or seventy times. Three of those times were hard enough to make her cheeks very red. One time I misjudged the swing, and connected with her jaw, and hurt my fingers a bit. Twice she tried putting her hands up to ward me off. Punishment followed. Punishment being a very hard three strokes with an open hand to one bare buttock. VERY sore. Very loud. And each stroke telling her I'm in control, and that I'm fully able to keep her in subspace, which is where she's in touch with bliss. Most of the other slaps to her face were dummies... light brushes of the hand. That jerk of the shoulders to threaten a hit. I even made her laugh a few times by pulling my hand back and scratching my eyebrow. Each gesture followed by a whimper. Sometimes, I'd threaten a hit, and then just stroke her cheek. And I'd lean forward and kiss her. And she'd kiss me back. Passionately.
And now here's N., asking me to have an affair with her, cos she wants to go to these places. She wants to dance with her dark side and give up control to me. She wants to feel the release of being in the safe hands of a dominant man. She wants to engage her fantasies and allow her womanhood to blossom like she's never let it before.
She says, "We can have the odd rendezvous. A few scenes."
I think about this. "Have you told your new boyfriend about your desires?"
"He wouldn't understand," she says. "And there's one thing... you can't meet him. Not ever. Cos he'd know, like this..." She snaps her fingers. "...About us."
"You know what, N.," I say. "I like you. I enjoy your company. I think you're gorgeous to look at. I want to learn more about you. And I certainly want to fuck you. And I want to play D/s with you. These things I want. But more than that, I think we need to seriously consider whether this is correct for us. You have a boyfriend, and your truth isn't on the table for him or for you. And it's not on the table for me. Who knows whether or not you and I have a relationship future? But I know one thing... relationships tend to end the way they start. If we start in an affair, how will we end?"
She swings her hair. Looks sad. "It's all about trust," she says. "We'd never trust each other."
"And in D/s, trust is THE most important element," I say.
"Let's wait," she says.
"And," I say, "maybe you should let this new boyfriend know about your needs. If he gets freaked out, you'll have that truth on the table. And then you can make an informed decision about whether or not he's right for you. And if he wants to play D/s with you, then maybe he's right for you."
"We'll wait," she says.
And I can just imagine the feel of her hair wrapped in my fist. I can see her wrists tied at her breasts. I can see her naked under me. And I can see her in subspace, her mind in bliss. My mind afire.