2008-01-30 Poised

2008-01-30 Poised, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Yet another Photoshop Creative Readers' Challenge image.

This time, instead of sticking to realism, I used the images they supplied to really push things around a bit.

There's a fair amount of painting in this one, using the 'stamp' tool to paint with elements of the photos they gave me.

And a LOT of creative twisting and scrunching to change perspective.

Go online and give it a try. It's huge fun, and you could win a bunch of goodies if they dig your pic.

They're at www.pshopcreative.co.uk.

All done on my Toshiba Tecra M4, running Photoshop CS2.

2008-01-28 SARS Client Being Helped

2008-01-28 SARS Client Being Helped, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

I sketched the lineart for this pic in my li'l black Moleskine while sitting with Jennifer in a long queue.

We were at the South African Revenue Service -- SARS -- trying to sort out the fact that my tax profile had been hijacked by my ex-tax accountant, Debbie Duckworth.

The dude pictured was sitting at one of the booths, and the tax consultant was busy finding some documents for him.

When Jennifer and I got to our booth after about half an hour, we were helped by no fewer than three people simultaneously.

It was like one of those surgical emergencies where one team is working on the vascular system, another on the heart, and another fixing broken bones.

If you're ever at the Randburg SARS office getting help, I strongly recommend seeing Sibongile, Chester, or Tshidi. Or all three at once.

The upshot of all of this is that I phoned Debbie Duckworth, my ex-tax accountant, from someone else's cellphone. I had to do this because she was simply ignoring all of my phonecalls, and has been doing so since last year.

She didn't answer, so I left this message, with Sibongile amd Tshidi and Jennifer as my witnesses:

'Hi Debbie. This is Roy Blumenthal. It's approximately 5pm on Monday the 28th of January. I'm with a SARS official right now, and I'm letting you know that they're asking you to release my tax details from your profile.'

I handed the phone to Sibongile, who confirmed this.

I then took the phone and continued:

'I've had enough of the trouble you've caused for me, and earlier this afternoon I called the SARS Anti-Corruption Hotline, and they have indicated that they'll be investigating you. Please release my profile and let me get on with filing my tax return. Thanks.'

Seconds after I put the phone down and handed it back, it rang. It was Debbie.

'Hi Debbie,' I said, putting it on speakerphone.

She said, 'Hullo. Who am I speaking to?'

'It's Roy Blumenthal. Please can you sort out my tax profile situation.'

'What? Roy Blumenthal? Uh... I'll call you back later.'

Click.

The SARS people shook their heads sagely.

A little later, when they were trying to free my name from Debbie's profile, Sibongile asked me to try and call again, to see if Debbie would give them some information.

So I called from my phone. On speakerphone. In front of witnesses.

Debbie said, 'How dare you keep calling me! This is bordering on harassment! I've released your name!'

'Actually,' I said, 'you didn't. You simply deactivated my name, but kept it attached to your profile.'

'You're a psycho! Quite frankly, you're horrible! A psycho! All of the people at C_____t say so! You're a psycho. And you can have me investigated as much as you want, you're just a psycho!'

The 'people' at C_____t might very well have called me a psycho. Who knows? Maybe I AM a psycho. But what on earth has that got to do with my tax profile? (The people from C_____t include an ex-girlfriend of mine, and her buddy. Debbie is their accountant now.)

I said, 'Thanks Debbie. I'll say cheers now.'

And that should have been the end of that, cos Sibongile managed to liberate my profile, and it's now with its rightful owner -- me.

Which brings us up to tonight. My phone rings.

A guy's voice with a stiff Afrikaans accent says, 'Hello. Is this Roy Blumenthal? I'm Frik Botha, Debbie Duckworth's fiancee. I believe you're threatening her.'

'I'm not threatening her,' I say. 'And I'd appreciate it if you don't phone me.'

He kept telling me about how he would 'advise' me not to threaten his fiancee.

And I told him, 'Frik, please don't phone me again, or else I'll be seeking an injunction against you.'

So he carried on shouting into his phone.

I said, 'Thanks Frik. Please don't call again. Bye.'

He said, 'Don't you--'

Click. I put the phone down.

It rang again. And he threatened me some more. And I asked him politely not to call me again. And put the phone down.

All of which makes me think, 'What on EARTH is Debbie Duckworth doing all this for? I was the tiniest of all possible clients, with very straightforward books. And all she had to do was release my damn profile.

Instead, she's escalated this into a fullblown investigation. Not of me, but of HER!

Which is crazy. Cos if she's been lying to any of her clients the way she lied to me, then she's got stuff to hide. Which means she's got something to lose.

I've got nothing to lose. I'm just a crazy freelancer with a web presence.

I scanned the Moleskine sketch, and popped it into Photoshop CS2, where I spent way too long playing with colours and textures, and enjoying myself tremendously while Debbie and Frik seethed somewhere in suburban bliss in Helderkruin, Krugersdorp. And yeah... I believe the Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc IS tax deductable.

2008-01-07 Jennifer at Col Cacchio -- Colour Version 2008-01-20

2008-01-07 Jennifer at Col Cacchio -- Colour Version 2008-01-20, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

This is the colour version of a doodle I did on the table cover when Jen and I ate at Col'Cacchio in Benmore.

I'm truly amazed that the line work stands up to scrutiny. The linework itself is fine. I'm very happy with the original drawing. What amazes me is that this is actually a very poor photograph of the drawing, taken with my Nokia N91.

It's a 2 megapixel camera. And it's got this habit of taking the picture about 5 seconds after the fake shutter sound plays. And the camera has to be held deadstill for all that time, else it blurs.

I've really loved doing the colouring on this one.

All of it's been done in Photoshop CS2. There are about 25 layers, each one dedicated to different bits and pieces.

The key trick I've learned is to ALT-click on the 'New Layer' icon in the layers palette. Then select 'Overlay' as the layer mode. Then select 'Fill with 50% gray'.

Once the layer has been created, press the 'D' key. This sets the default colour palette to Black and White.

Use a brush set to between 10 and 40% opacity to paint into the grey overlay. Black 'Burns' the pic, making it darker. White 'Dodges', making it lighter.

Use the 'Smear' tool (the pointed finger) to shmoosh things around a bit to neutralise anything you don't like.

Killer tool. Several layers like this will result in kick ass highlights and shadows.

'And the Cupboard Was Just Plain Bare' 2008-01-19 Hangers -- For Illustration Friday, 'Plain'.

2008-01-19 Hangers -- Rich Texture, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Been working through an amazing book on Photoshop techniques, and kicking myself for never having given myself a chance on this incredible package.

It is literally THE most powerful art creation tool in the universe.

While I'll stick to ArtRage for all the painterly stuff, I'll be playing a lot more with the range of techniques Photoshop opens up for me.

In this one, I took a reference pic of some coathangers on a rack in our bedroom.

I then mashed the photo around, playing with things like contrast and hue and all sorts.

Then I used my lassoo tool to loosely model shapes which I filled with colour.

The original pic is no in this picture. It's entirely hand drawn in shapes.

I used loads of layers. A different layer for each coathanger, for example.

Finally, I added some texturing to the flat colour I used.

I made this pic as a response to Illustration Friday's topic, 'Straight'. At least, I THINK that's what the topic is. Don't recall. Will check later.

[UPDATE:]

Nope. The topic is 'Plain'. So I think I'll retitle this pic, 'And the cupboard was just plain bare'.

2008-01-16 Welcome to Your New Classroom With Jennifer

2008-01-16 Welcome to Your New Classroom With Jennifer, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Yesterday I helped Jennifer set up her classroom. I installed some shelves for the kids to pop their shoes into. And I also did a little drawing of Jennifer on the whiteboard.

I took a few snapshots of it with my Nokia N91 phone camera. And then transferred them to my computer.

Then Photoshop CS2 came into play in a big way to sharpen the images, and reconfigure the elements into a more pleasing composition. (More pleasing to me, that is.)

And of course, colouring and texturing.

I've made this pic for Jennifer to print on canvas and use every year as a banner to hang in her room.

(The name tag I made for her was an absolute hit. Kids and parents loved it. Colleagues were a little put out, because most of them insist on being called 'Mister' and 'Missus', rather than by their first names.)

I did the linework for this pic using eraseable whiteboard markers on a white surface in Jen's class. I took photos with my Nokia N91. And worked extensively on the images in Photoshop CS2. All on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc.

Please call me Jennifer -- Desk Card

Please call me Jennifer -- Desk Card, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

Jennifer starts her school term tomorrow. The school she works at has a pretty 'stifled' management, who seem to insist on being called Mister and Missus by the children.

That strikes me as a way of creating a non-learning environment. And Jennifer despises the formality.

Some time ago I created a name tag for her to use with the kids. This is a mild modification of that tag, to be placed on the reigistration desk for the 10-year-olds and their parents to greet Jennifer right the first time.

Getting off on the right foot.

[UPDATE:]
Jennifer popped this card on her registration table in this huge hall, filled with kids, parents and teachers.

Kids absolutely loved the name tag, and really responded to Jennifer's request that they use her first name.

The parents also loved the name tag. And responded very positively to Jennifer as a consequence. (One of the reasons they respond to her so positively is that she has a reputation as being one of the most exciting teachers in her school. I was there yesterday when a parent who had a kid in her class last year kicked up a fuss because her second kid wasn't in Jen's class this year. The matter was rectified.)

The interesting thing is that the staff and management of the school responded with indifference, and, in some cases, disdain. Shame on them. They're ULTRA fixed on 'the old ways'. And as far as I can tell, this makes them dinosaurs who are going to need to take urgent action to avoid extinction.

Using a teacher's first name in class hurts noone. It doesn't break the 'authority' of the teacher. It's about learning, for goodness sake. It's not about petty ego issues.

Ah well.

If you're a teacher, and you'd like a name tag like this, I'm willing to do freebies for a little while, when I have time. Drop me an email on schmucknews@gmail.com.

from nancy

Nancy! Chi Chi! Sweetie!

Thank you so much for your speedy response! Even more than that, I want to thank you for your kind and generous offer to pay for my flight to wherever it is you're living right now. Will you also pay for my hotel accommodation? That would be most awesome of you!

I don't know how to thank you enough.

Also, thank you for sending me pictures of you and your girlfriend. When you told me that you were from Liberia, I thought that you meant Liberia the country. Now I realise that you mean Liberia the sexual preference. I notice that your girlfriend looks very similar to you. Is that a sort of 'Liberian' thing. (I normally say 'Libesian', cos it's just softer and more feminine to say it like that.)

Could you let me know when you'll be able to transfer the cash into my account? Or are you going to do all of the bookings yourself?

Thanks again for your prompt response. And by the way, if I came across as 'trying to be funny', I apologise. I really don't mean to make light of a situation where both of us stand to make bucketloads of money from your dead parents. And you know, the funny thing is this... death is a part of our world. And we're all auditioning for it. And for a lot of us, 25% is just not enough.

Blue skies
love
'Schmucknews' Roy

PS: Do you have a private jet?

PPS: Oh... one more thing... what's her name? Your girlfriend? Do you have more pictures of her?

PPPS: My answer is 'yes' to almost everything you've asked. Now... where's my money?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: nancy Brent <nancybrent93@yahoo.ca>
Date: 12 Jan 2008 12:57
Subject: from nancy
To: schmucknews@gmail.com

Hello My Dearest Schmucknews,

Thank you very much for your reply to my message but please you have to know that all things in life is not always a JOKE i have realities and my prove if you need it immedietely i prove the realities to you and remember that i once ask you if you can come over here but you the answer to that is not realy make me a confidence Please i want you to be strong in faith and dont be afriad to answer me with all your heart because i need you seriously and wants to see you by all means here, But if you can come over as your seen me on the picture to see me face to face i think it will be more good and more sweetest for both of us you and I. Please please never or think that this is a joke ok, if you think that am joking here you will missed me if truelly you love me.
 
My real name is Miss Nancy Brent, my late parents died during the civil war in my country, . Mydear, actually what I have in mind for contacting you, is because I want you to stand as my foreign beneficiary to my late father  deposit with the bank.The fund was deposited by my  late  father and he used my name as the next of kin, he also put a comprehensive bond  clause that I should attend the age of 30 or present a foreigner who will help me invest the money outside my country. I have the  document concern this fund in my position, everything concerning this transaction is clear and am not a fraudulent or a cheater. Listen very well, all that i have told you concerning my present situation is the real life am passing through right now, i have the proves for the existence of this fund, all i need you to do for me is to contact the firm  on my behalf as my foreign Representative, and find out the possibility of transferring this fund into your position in your country.
 
That is why I contact you to stand as my foreign beneficiary next of kin to the bank. so that they will release the money to any of your account in your name, you may made avail to them, as I promise you in my previous mail, I will offer you 25% of the total sum for your assistance, but before I will forward the bank contact to you I will like to ask you some questions.
 
The question are  below:-

1) Can you make it to visit me here ?
 
2) Can you help to come here and pick me to your country after you must have secured the money in your account?
 
3) What kind of business do you have in mind that we will invest this money on?
 
4) Send to me more of your picture's for me to have more confident in you.
 
5) Forward your contact information to me such as your full name, postal address, fax and
telephone number to enable us have fast communication.

In the receipt of this information's I will send a message  to the bank where my late father made the deposit and introduce your person to the bank manager as my foreign beneficiary next of kin. Please, am asking you for my safety and security keep it very private OK, i know that God will see us through. Once the fund hit your country, you will now send me money to process my traveling document.

You can reach me on phone through the office line of Rev father Martin Thomas, He is the pastor leading the church were i wish and inform him about my plan in leaving this Senegal and he gave me his words of encouragement and his prayer's. His telephone number is:-00221763475632 ,  if you call me, he will send her lady sectary to come and call me, so that we can talk through phone. Again I will personally draft a letter of application and give you the  bank contact for you to forward the claims to them OK. waiting to read from you soonest .

Sincerely,

Nancy Brent

My new Flickr profile -- I'm available to do visual facilitation work for you

I'm a Visual Facilitator, also known as a Graphic Facilitator.

Imagine a workshop or seminar. Sitting in the corner is an artist with an easel. That artist is visually interpreting the ideas that are flying around the room. That artist is me.

I work on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc, painting primarily in ArtRage 2.5, with a video projector hooked up to my machine so that people can see what I'm painting.

At the end of the session, everyone gets to take home the pictures I've made.

Here's a link to my Flickr set showing some of my work: Visual Facilitation.

I'm happy to work anywhere in the world, with the proviso that I have fair notice to sort out visas where necessary.

I charge R8 500 (roughly US$1300, Euro 850, UK£650) for a half-day session, and R12 500 (roughly US$1 900, Euro 1 250, UK£950) for a full-day session. This excludes travel and accommodation.

Coffee-Shops and Me

I'm a coffee-shop schmuck, and I spend much of my time sketching people in coffee-shops. I'm somewhat of a leftie (probably more of a left libertarian than anything) and a sometime activist.

My Motto

I live my art in prosperity and abundance.

Technical Details

All of the earlier drawings are done directly onto an iPAQ 2210 palmtop computer, running a licensed version of Mobile Atelier drawing software. These pics are NOT suitable for artprints, except small, cos their resolution is only 320 x 240 pixels. I'm VERY happy to print them out as postcards for you. Lemme know, and I'll do it.

The later, more detailed, higher-resolution drawings are done on my Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc, running ArtRage 2.5, Alias Sketchbook Pro 2.0, Corel Painter 9.5, and Photoshop CS2. Almost every painting I make now is done in ArtRage.

(Sandi asked me if I get paid for mentioning ArtRage and Toshiba. The answer is a resounding no. I get nothing from those companies. No favours. No freebies. No money. No nothing. I just love what their tech does for me.)

I generally draw the line work on the top layer first, and then I colour on the layer below that. Each painting takes between 60 and 240 minutes to make, the colouring taking most of the time.

Creative Commons -- Attribution, Share-Alike

I'm a great believer in the open source movement. That's why I release all of my artworks under a Creative Commons 'attribution, share-alike' license.

(It's also why I buy music from Magnatune.com.)

My license means that you're free to use my work as you see fit, as long as I'm credited, and you distribute your work under the same license.

Swaps of Prints

I love doing swaps with other photographers and artists around the world. If there's a pic of mine you like, and I like one of yours, let's swap. Here's the deal... I give you a signed print, you give me a signed print. That way we both win.

Here's my postal address...

Roy Blumenthal
PO Box 532
Auckland Park
2006
South Africa

My Blog

I'm a fairly regular blogger, with a tiny cult following which seems to be shrinking since I stopped talking explicitly about BDSM and sex. Hehehehehe. That's in the archives. You can find me at: schmucknews.blogspot.com.

My Stuff on Zazzle

I'm now selling my artworks on various items at Zazzle. They're an official Flickr associate, so give it a try!

My Prickie.com Button Shop

I have a button shop-front on Prickie.com. I supply the designs, they print, manufacture, and ship the buttons. I get an incredible US75c per button sold!! So make me rich! Go and buy my buttons.

Please note that one of my absolute aims is to offend people. So if you're NOT offended by my lapel badges, please let me know what I'm doing wrong!!!

Here's the address of my shop-front: ACoffeeShopSchmuck Button Shop.

Where to Find Me

Twitter: royblumenthal
Facebook: Roy Blumenthal
Skype: royblumenthal
Google Talk: schmucknews@gmail.com
Shared Google Reader Links: schmucknews
Cellphone: +27 74 104 6386. (That '+27' is the country code. Pop that number into your cellphone as it stands, and it should get to me.)
Email: schmucknews@gmail.com

Bullet holes in the American Consulate General's security booth, Joburg, South Africa

Jennifer and I have noticed two prominent bullet holes. They're at face height in the bullet-proof glass of the security booth at the American Consulate General's premises in Riviera Road, Killarney, Joburg, South Africa.

The holes have been there for a few months now. And they haven't been repaired. We both find this rather odd. I mean, heck... TWO gunshots at face height? Surely the glass must be compromised? Surely if someone were to shoot them AGAIN, they'd let bullets through?

I mean, what's the deal here? Who shot at the glass in the first place? Why aren't they repairing the damage? Isn't this really really really bad PR for America?

If I were them, I'd fix the holes.

Re: DEAREST ONE,

Dearest Chi-Chi/Nancy!

I really thought terrible things had happened to you. I'm SO glad
you're alive and well, and ready to send me all of your money!

I'm also glad to hear that your parents are stone cold dead! The
reason I say such a thing is that I'm also an orphan, having lost
first my father, then my mother. They are both buried under a fig tree
planted by my one-armed brother in Transkei.

You and I have so much in common.

One urgent request. I need you to prove your love for me. And the best
and easiest way for you to do this will be to meet one request.

Do you want to know what my request is?

If I tell you, will you promise not to laugh?

Will you promise not to think of me as a dirty old man getting his
jollies over making requests from innocent young women?

I know that I'm not all THAT old. But you ARE 23. And I AM 39. Please
don't ask me if I'm turning 40 in February. Because I'm going to have
a surprise party, and you can be the guest of honour. I'll think of
you as my 'daughter'.

The way Woody Allen thinks of his daughter as his 'daughter'. And
when I become your 'daddy', the first thing I'll do with our money is
send you to spelling lessons. With your permission, of course. Or
should that be 'permision'?

Here's my request...

Please can you STOP USING FRICKING CAPITAL LETTERS WHEN YOU TYPE YOUR
NEXT EMAIL???!?!

I'm eagerly, passionately, tumescently, tremulously awaiting your
loving response.

I love you too, delicate 'child'.

Yours, 'The Schmuck'

PS: Where's my money?

On 11/01/2008, chichi helen <chichihelen04@yahoo.com> wrote:
> DEAREST ONE,
>
> THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, I AM REALLY HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU AND ALSO HAPPY THAT
> YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ME. ACTUALLY I NEVER KNOW HOW YOU WILL FEEL If THIS IS
> TOO EALIER TO TELL YOU"BUT JUST BECAUSE OF THE CONDITION OF WHERE I'M IN
> DAKAR SENEGAL,AS A RESULT OF THE CIVIL WAR THAT WAS FOUGHT IN MY COUNTRY,FOR
> THAT REASON I AM FACING SO MANY DEFFICULTYS IN LIFE AS OF MY AGE,SO DEAR I
> HAVE TO LET YOU KNOW"IF YOU WILL ASSIST ME.
>
> HERE IS MORE ABOUT ME,I AM MISS NANCY BRENT FROM LIBERIA 23 YEARS OLD WITH
> TEARS AND SORROW I EXPLAIN MY SELF IN A HUMBLE MANNER AFTER THE DEATH OF MY
> FATHER MR PAUL BRENT WHO WAS PERSONAL ADVICER TO THE FORMAL HEAD OF STATE
> BECAUSE OF THE POLITICAL CRISIS IN MY COUNTRY WHICH TAKE A LOTS OF SOULS AND
> TENDER MANY HOME HOMELESS, WE NOW DESIDED TO RUN FROM MY COUNTRY WITH MY
> MOTHER, BROTHER ZICO, AND I, BECAUSE LIFE IS MORE PRECCIOUS THAN
> ANYTHING,AND NOTHING WE USE TO REPARE LIFE IF IS TAKING,ALL OF A SUDDEN MY
> BROTHER WHERE KIILLD BY REBELS AND MY MOTHER LATER DIED BECAUSE OF THE
> PAINS OF THE LOST ONES.
>
> AFTER THE DEATH OF MY MOTHER, UNCLE OPA"MY FATHERS BROTHERS STARTED TO
> PERSECUIT ME OVER MY FATHERS PROPERTIES WHICH HE LATER SNATCHED FROM ME
> UNDER TREATING,
>
> SO DEAR BY THE HELP OF A REVREND FATHER I CAME TO DAKAR SENEGAL UNDER
> REFUGEE,INFACT THE MORE I EXPLAIN MY SELF AND SITUATION I SHEAR TEARS WHEN I
> REMEMBER THE PAST, I AM THE ONLY ONE REMAINING IN OUR FAMILY"NOW I AM IN A
> CRITICAL SITUATION,STAYING IN THE REFUGEE'S HOSTEEL HERE, IS LIKE ONE BEEN
> IN PRESON WITH ME,BUT I CAN'T MISLIVE MY LIFE'BECAUSE OF CONDITION,OVER MY
> DIED BODY'BECAUSE THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP BY MY LATE PARENTS I AM PUTING
> ALL MY HEART TO YOU, I HOPE THAT GOD WILL USE YOU TO SAVE MY SOUL.
>
> PLEASE DEAR LISTING TO THIS,I HAVE LATE FATHER'S STATEMENT OF ACCOUNT AND
> THE DEATH CERTIFICATE HERE WITH ME WHICHI WILL SEND TO YOU LETTER WHEN HE
> WAS ALIVE HE DEPOSITED SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY IN A LEADING BANK IN WHICH HE
> USE MY NAME AS THE NEXT OF KIN,THE AMOUNT IN QUESTION IS ($5.9MILLION
> DOLLARS US,)
>
> SO I WILL LIKE YOU TO HELP ME IN TRANSFERING OF THIS MONEY AND FROM THERE
> YOU CAN SEND SOME MONEY FOR ME TO GET MY TRAVELLING DOCUMENTS AND AIR
> TICKET,TO COME OVER THERE AND MEET YOU.DEAR I KEPT THIS SECRET TO PEOPLE
> BECAUSE YOU KNOW IS MONEY ISSUE AS SOON AS PEOPLE HERE ABOUT IT NOW ALL EYES
> WILL BE ON IT PLS, THE ONLY PERSON THAT KNOWS ABOUT IT HERE IS THE REVREND
> BECAUSE HE IS LIKE A FATHER TO ME,
>
> IN THE LIGHT OF THE ABOVE I WILL LIKE YOU TO KEEP IT TO YOUR SELF AND PLS
> DON'T LET IT TO BE OPON TO PEOPLE,FOR I AM AFRAID OF MY LIFE AND LOOSING THE
> MONEY IF PEOPLE GETS TO KNOW ABOUT IT,REMEMBER I GIVE THIS INFORMATION TO
> YOU WITH FAITH AND TRUST THAT YOU WILL BE OF HELP TO ME WITH THE HELP OF
> GOD,I LIKE HONEST AND UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE,TRUTHFUL AND A MAN OF
> VISION,MEANWHILE I WILL LIKE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ON PHONE THOUGH I DON'T HAVE
> CELL PHONE OF MY, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME THROUGH THE NUMBER OF THE REV. PASTOR
> THAT IS INCHARGE OF THE CAMP WHERE I AM STAYING..
> HIS NUMBER IS AS FOLLOWS..00221 763475632
> LIKE I SAID I HAVE ALOTS TO TELL YOU IN MY NEXT MAIL OK' I WILL BE WAITING
> TO HEAR FROM YOU THROUGH EMAIL SOONEST,
>
> HAVE A NICE DAY AND PLS THINK OF ME,NOTE THAT I CONTACTED YOU AFTER MUCH
> PRAYERS AND FASTING. SEE !!!! YOU!!.
> THANKS
> I LOVE YOU
> YOURS NANCY BRENT

Re: My Dear,

Where's my money, you double-crossing hudsucker!

I've been half-praying to Jesus, and half-praying to Hashem to get revenge on you for what you did last time. And now you email me again!

Hashesus be praised! He/it/they has/have delivered you into my hands.

(The reason I half-pray to each of these entities is that I'm an awkward mix of Jew and Christian. Luckily for you, there is no Islamic connection. Cos if there WERE an Islamic connection in my religious background, I'd half- or quarter-pray to the Prophet Mohammed to ask God to have your hands and feet lopped off and fed to you. But only if they were Halaal. Your feet, I mean.)

Give. Me. My. Money.

Do I have to spell it out???

By the way, I've attached copies of my identity document, my driver's licence, my passport (only the front page, I'm afraid), and a letter from my rabbi, and a letter from my priest, arguing against what the rabbi says, cos they really don't agree with each other. Although they both fell in love with the Muslim twins down the road -- Nazreet and Shamiema Muhammed (they're identical twins). So maybe they can find some common ground. What advice would you offer on this subject?

On 08/01/2008, mpaul okotas <m.okotas@menara.ma> wrote:

My Dear,
 
I have been waiting for you since to come down here and pick your Bank Draft of $200, 000.00usd but did not heard from you since that time then I went and deposited the Draft with BANK OF BENIN here in Cotonou, Benin Republic, because I travelled to Chile to see my boss and will not come back till next month end. I have arranged with them to make your payment to you with their new ATM MASTER CARD which you can use to withdraw your money in any ATM MACHINE around the globe/world.

You have to contact the  Bank of Benin with your full contact informations such as follows:

 

1. FULL NAME
2. ADDRESS WERE YOU WANT THEM TO SEND THE ATM CARD
3. PHONE AND FAX NUMBER
4. YOUR AGE AND CURRENT OCCUPATION
5. ATTACH COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION

However, Kindly contact the below person who is in position to release your ATM Master
CARD,

 

REV. Mrs. F Chi Chi,
DIRECTOR, ATM PAYMENT DEPARTMENT
BANK OF BENIN
EMAIL;( mrschichi_f2@yahoo.fr )
TEL+22997280821

 

I had paid for all the processing and delivery charges, the only money
that your are going to pay to them is only $125 Dollars which they
will use to open your ATM Account with the Bank and send the ATM Master CARD
to your address.

 

Try to contact them as soon as possible to quicken the process of your Card before your Draft gets Expired.

Let me know as soon as you receive your ATM Master Card.

Thanks.

 

Mr.Okota

--
------------------------------------------------
ROY BLUMENTHAL
Visual Facilitator, Illustrator, Writer, Director

Mobile: +27 74 104 6386
Fax: 086 512 2580 (South African calls only)
Email: royblumenthal@gmail.com
Home: http://royblumenthal.com
Blog: http://schmucknews.blogspot.com
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Re: For a real investment

Harith, you scallywag! I KNEW that your name was familiar to me!!! Yay!!!!!! Thanks SO MUCH for contacting me again and again! I SO appreciate it!

I'm so relieved to hear that you're still alive, and that the people who took 'Mildred Carruthers' down haven't managed to get to you yet!

Dude... we've GOT to get this deal going! I need to get my money out of you before they get you!

What I love most about you is your sense of PERSISTENCE. The last time you contacted me... let me think... it was last year sometime... let's see... wasn't it just before Christmas? Yes! 23 December 2007!

I remember you well! You're the orphan!!!

Harith... please fill me in on some details... do you MISS your parents? Did they ever do 'nasty' things to you? Did they ever do REALLLLLY freakish things to you? Or is it only in my country where parents hang their screaming babies in orange sacks above the maid's toilet, feeding them cheese straws until they shut up? Please tell me I'm not the only one!?

Look. I've got to be frank with you. In your first communication with me, you wanted me to book you a hotel room. Dude. Dude dude dude! What side of the bed do you think I was born on? Book your OWN goddamn hotel room, you heathen scum orphan snot-boy! (Sorry. I'm deeply sorry. Sometimes I say things I regret. I hope this doesn't mean we can't be friends?)

In this latest message, you want me to tell you where my nearest airport is. Come on, dude. We're men of the world. YOU tell ME where YOUR nearest airport is. And I'll have my 'people' go over and 'meet' you. If you're not fricking careful.

Also, in your first message, you implied that I would get a mere 20% for my hard work in helping you launder your filthy money. I told you that I wouldn't be willing to budge for less than 35%. Well, you scumscudding cranksucking guttersniping wastrel (in a good way, of course -- I would never insult you): my price has JUST GONE UP! I want 37.5% for my troubles. And I'm warning you, if you keep giving me the runaround, the price goes up AGAIN!

DON'T PUSH ME, HARITH! I'm warning you! Act now while I'm just wrenching 37.5% from your clammy, slimy hands!

Seriously... think about your poor dead parents. They must have loved you so much to leave you US$11 million. Although, I must admit, if I were them, I'd have thought you should have been given more like, say, US$22 million. If you know your maths, Harith, you'll understand that US$22 million is exactly DOUBLE US$11 million. So actually, they probably didn't love you all that much after all. In fact, I'm sure you'll agree with me that they were losers. And they deserved to die.

You know what my parents did when they died? (I mean, apart from shit all over their sick beds, and gurgle a bit, and stop breathing.) They left me NOTHING. They left my brother nothing. They left EVERYTHING they owned to the Boy Scouts of ARMENIA! What the hell???!!! ARMENIA??? They didn't even know where Armenia IS? Fricking hell! Do YOU even know where Armenia is? And have you ever had the misfortune of trying to tie up a Boy Scout? They fight like hell. And they understand knots like noone on earth.

Anyway.

I don't care about all that. It's in the past. All I care about is the future. Which looks bright, now that you and I are in contact again.

WHERE'S MY GODDAMN MONEY, HARITH? Do you want me to come over and show you how an Armenian Boy Scout works a camping tin opener?

Give. Me. My. Money.

There. I've said it.

Respond -- properly. And you KNOW what I mean by properly.

Re: For a real investment

You've already sent me this exact same email, Harith. Now, what I strongly suggest is that you give me a token of your faith in me. Give me some money.

On 06/01/2008, Harith Ahmad <harithahmad419@yahoo.com> wrote:

Dear Friend

Please  make a hotel reservation for me and tell me the nearest airport to you and await for my arrival.This is a transaction of $11m (eleven million USD) from a genuine source and duly certified.It is my inheritance with full legal right.

I trust that with you I will be able to invest on the right business to maximize profit and grow my money.I am not resident in your country,pls be my partner,receive me well and 20%  of the total fund  is for you.Trust me.

Regards

Harith Ahmad
479 Valley Road,
Valley Park # 12-04
Singapore.

Re: For a real investment

Harith... I trust you! Give me your money! OUR money!!!!

On 06/01/2008, Harith Ahmad <harithahmad419@yahoo.com > wrote:

Dear Friend

Please  make a hotel reservation for me and tell me the nearest airport to you and await for my arrival.This is a transaction of $11m (eleven million USD) from a genuine source and duly certified.It is my inheritance with full legal right.

I trust that with you I will be able to invest on the right business to maximize profit and grow my money.I am not resident in your country,pls be my partner,receive me well and 20%  of the total fund  is for you.Trust me.

Regards

Harith Ahmad
479 Valley Road,
Valley Park # 12-04
Singapore.

Let's make tons and tons and buckets and truckloads of bucks, Presley!

Presley! Dude! You and I are in luck! Deluxe luck! Not only do I WANT
to help you, but I also NEED to help you. Cos I've had financial
'needs' of late.

But more than that... I happen to live in South Africa! So we can even
hook up and have a cup of coffee together if you're keen.

There IS one SMALL hitch though. I'm deeply unhappy with your
remuneration terms. I know I don't have to do A LOT of HARD WORK. And
that my role in this transaction is actually quite trivial. BUT... I
still have to insist on a fair percentage.

Will you up your offer? Will you let me know? Is the Pope a sodomist?

I'm so looking forward to your urgent response. I really want to make
some mighty dosh with you! You and I can become tight chinas and hang
out together.

Come on, bru! Make my day! Make me rich, baby!

On 05/01/2008, Davis <presleyd1@mac.com> wrote:

I am Mr. Presley Davis, bank manager with a Private Bank in South Africa; I
am also the account manager to an American businessperson based in
Johannesburg South Africa by name Mr. Morris Braddock, who died through
fatal road accident in year 2005.

I am writing to solicit for your
assistance in transfer of funds left in his account being USD14.5M for
disbursement amongst us and subsequent investment of my share of the
transaction over there in your country.

If interested in this offer please
reply to (presleydavis1@live.co.za) so that we can proceed by effecting the
necessary changes required to be made in your favour on my bank data base
system whereby your name shall appear as the next of kin to Mr. Morris
Braddock.

This will give us a smooth platform to officially launch
application for the payment of the funds in your favour: Please do note that
your share for participating on this exercise shall be 30% of the total sum
transferred to your account, 5% shall be used for any expenses that would
have been incurred by either party during the cause of the transaction such
as taxations on the funds both here in South Africa and over there in your
country, while the remaining 65% will be mine.

I await your reply,

Mr. Presley Davis

2008-01-01 Roy Blumenthal by Jennifer Cosslett

2008-01-01 Roy Blumenthal by Jennifer Cosslett, originally uploaded by royblumenthal.

I made a self portrait in my li'l Moleskine, and Jennifer did one on the next page.

I scanned her ink work, cleaned it up marginally, and popped it into ArtRage 2.5 for Jennifer to colour.

She did all of the hard work, and then asked me to do the shading, so she could learn what I was up to. I zapped it into Photoshop CS2, and did about an hour of lovingly devoted stroking of my features. Nothing narcissistic, of course.

This painting was made in a Moleskine notebook and on a Toshiba Tecra M4 tablet pc by a gorgeous gal with hot assets.